You’re such an animal!
I’m sure you’ve all heard or read about Darwin’s ‘survival of the fittest’ philosophy.  Simply stated, as long as a species can continue to procreate and adapt to changing environments the species will survive.  Nature, through evolution and adaptation, has provided each species with traits to help it to survive.  House cats shed hair in the summer months to stay cool.. and grow more hair for the winter months.  This process helps to keep the cat alive (in its outside natural environment) in order to reproduce.  But man is a little different.  Modern homo sapiens (that is to say, ‘modern’ in the last couple hundred thousand years or so) do not acclimate too well surviving on the outside walking around naked to the elements like the rest of the animal kingdom.  So, evolution gave us the ability to reason and with that single ability man has been able to adapt to the changing environment in order to survive ‘outside’ in the elements, whether it be figuring out that wearing the skin of a wooly mammoth will keep you warm or that putting a few leaves over your head will keep you dry.

Ok.. all that explains a bit of how we as humans fit in the animal kingdom.  But here’s something a bit interesting that carries Darwin’s survival of the fittest to its lowest denominator.  I mentioned in the first paragraph that nature has built into each of us the desire and need to have sex in order for the species to survive.  Well, it’s really less about the species as a whole surviving and more about us as individuals passing on our own genetic code; it just so happens that our genetic code contains the basic building blocks for our species.  This is where things get really interesting.  Think of this as Human Biology 101.. well… ok, maybe 201.  Each of us has our own particular set of ‘code’ that encourages us to seek a mate for procreation.  But let’s explore the biological part first.

Venus.. Mars.. it really has little to do with the planets
Nature requires that it takes a male and female of our species to mate in order to bring offspring.  Because humans have no seasonal or environmental ‘switches’ for engaging in the sex act… the sex act becomes a fairly common  instinctual activity for us.  As our ancestors were roaming the plains of Africa the sole priority was environmental survival followed by reproduction.  Females took on the natural role of childbirth and subsequent nurturing… and as you already know, males became the hunter/gatherers.  But individually there was a need for males and females to mate… and it wasn’t necessarily what we now call love and romance.  There was a very practical need.  Females, because of their general physical size and stature, tended to seek out males they perceived would carry all the traits for providing for their well-being… and in finding the appropriate mate would engage in sex.  This assured that her genetic code was being passed along with those traits she found attractive in her mate.  At the same time, should she become pregnant, she was assured of the male sticking around to provide for her and his offspring.  The male on the other hand, as we all know, carries a more instinctually active desire to procreate.

Enter in the ‘courtship’ part.  In all species this is the time when both genders tend to maneuver and ‘go shopping’ for a mate.  But for us humans there is a complexity that has evolved into what we have called the ’battle of the sexes’.  There is no way a male can determine when a female will be ‘ready’ for conceiving (there are no human female ‘in heat’ signals) hence the male desire for sex never seems to wane.  And in reality females can engage in the act at any time as well.  But there is about a five day period each month , linked to ovulation, where a female is most stimulated to the desire for sex.  During this period the female can send out pheromones, that invisible chemical that does act as a kind of lure.  But even at that, pheromones can be emitted at anytime.  Females during this period also undergo enhanced sensitivity and attraction to certain stimuli emitted by males.  For example, male sweat does emit a chemical, a male pheromone if you will, that a female can ignore or even be repulsed by (the smell of body odor) most of the time.  Yet during ovulation she could actually be attracted to it.  In the end males are generally at the mercy of women as to when conception might occur… or when sex is even desired (some things never change in spite of evolution).

But during those wonderful five days the primitive females could have many male partners.  Keep in mind the instinctual desire for females to pick the males they thought had the traits most suited for taking care of them.. thus ensuring the stronger traits being passed on to subsequent generations through offspring.  Now, females of our species are born with a predetermined number of eggs that she can have fertilized, therefore her genetic codes are already established within each egg.  Males, on the other hand, have an infinite amount of sperm.. constantly being produced with genetic code.  Thus, while females tend to ‘control’ males in the desire and willingness for sex it is the male who adds more to the genetic diversity of our species.  This may explain why males tend to have the more persistent desire for sex… or spreading their seed around, so to speak.

So how does nature help the individual male pass on only ‘his’ traits over that of another who might have shared the same female mate?  Scientists seem fairly set to theorize that the shape of the male penis is intentionally suited for ejecting material (presumably sperm from other males) from the vagina and the constant thrusting in and out prior to ejaculation simply the process of ‘flushing’ unwanted material from the vagina.  Keep in mind here that nature has programmed in each one of us the ‘survival of the fittest’ concept… it’s MY genes that will prevail, and not your’s.  When the female is in her five-day ‘fun cycle’ it’s literally every man for himself.

How did a female know who the father was once being conceived and having had multiple partners?  There’s a theory that females tended to ‘feel’ the moment of conception.  But more likely it was a somewhat communal thing.  If a number of males mated with a number of females then this group sort of stayed together… unless of course, there was an applied acceptance one female had to a single prospective mate.  The male, or males, thus providing for a group of pregnant females.  In the end, at childbirth, is probably when fatherhood was determined and that was simply by looking for characteristics shared with the father (this is probably why babies tend to resemble their fathers at birth).  Once parental identity was established the male then provided for both mother and offspring.  From there, of course, social development would be determined by the gender of the infant.

The whole point with this biology and anthropology lesson is to get across the concept that each and every one of us may have the physical traits of the human species but individually we are made up of a composite of instinctual desires that simply exist for the purpose of reproducing our own offspring.  Many times those instincts appear ruthless and determined in some of us.  From what I have just described, it’s ruthless at the biological level as well.

Ok Rob.. what’s all this got to do with my sex fetish?
Well, it has nothing to do with it, yet is has everything to do with it.  Having a sex fetish is not a genetic thing necessarily and I am not trying to suggest that.  But what I am suggesting is that in order for you to understand your deep dark hidden impulses and desires you first have to fully understand your basic makeup as a human being and to understand those instincts within all of us that make us do what we do.  We are purely sexual creatures, plain and simple.  Having a sex fetish or fantasy is simply an extrapolated desire set into motion from what you as a person expects from a mate.  We all know that some women get turned on by strong athletic types.  Other women prefer men who display a level of confidence and intelligence.  Some men prefer women who are smart and independent; other men prefer women who are more subserviant.  This is how variety is maintained in our species.  Nature instills upon males the tendency to prefer younger women regardless of his own age.  Why?  Because younger women are physically better suited to childbearing.  There's a natural tendency for younger women to prefer an older male in order to assure her own survivability and that of her offspring; strength and experience being associated with age and maturity.

While our evolutionary gift from nature to reason has made us survive it also, nonetheless, has gotten in the way of our instincts.

As our thatched huts became palaces and the mammoth hides became polyester the issue of survival has taken on a much different meaning for us humans.  There is a fellow you have probably heard of in school studies by the name of Abraham Maslow.  He came up with a theory of a ‘hierarchy of needs’.  This theory contends that man is born with a set of needs, both physical and mental, and that these needs reach importance as other needs become satisfied.  Sounds a little confusing so let me explain (and I’ll try like the devil not to be boring here).

Maslow states there are five levels of human individual needs… physiological, safety, social, esteem, and actualization (in that order).  Going back to our ancestors roaming the African plains again we see that the emphasis was in the physiological area; the basic need for food, shelter, and sex (also in that order).  But let’s put this in contemporary terms.  Tom Hanks washes up on shore of some deserted island.  After the acceptance of his situation sets in he looks for food and drinkable water.  Once he figures out a way to open coconuts his immediate sustenance needs are satisfied.  He’s now comfortable having found a food source and it starts to rain… and the wind blows.  His makeshift shelter can’t stand up to the elements and he discovers a cave.  And while he’s not likely to engage in sex (but masturbation is likely possible as a substitute), the satisfying of the food and shelter needs now offer him time to reflect back… and think about the future.  The point here is that once his immediate needs were met he went on to the next level of need.  And this is how our ancestors survived as well.

Now, imagine Maslow’s five needs on a bar graph… in the beginning the physiological need bar is the highest.  As those needs are met that bar lowers and the next need bar, safety, rises.  So, in the days of our ancestors we can presume that the physiological bar was quite high because the need for food, shelter, and sex was a primary concern on a daily basis.  But even then, once a routine was established the physiological bar dropped a bit and the safety bar rose a bit.   And this makes sense because man tended to live in communities which not only offered greater physiological satisfaction but also a measure of safety against natural predators and other warring groups of humans.   When safety needs started being met then that bar lowered and the next bar, social, increased.  This allowed man to develop customs, morays, and social order… even religious beliefs.

I’m still waiting, Rob...
Okay, let’s fast forward from the last 10,000 years to present day.  When we get up in the morning what needs are met and what needs.. need satisfying?  Well, I think we can safely say that our modern man (21st century man) probably has a very low physiological bar… food, shelter, and sex are pretty low on our daily list of needs.  Safety?  We sure don’t have to worry about predators and wars on a daily basis, so that bar is short.  What about social?  Well, we have set customs and religions and mass communications in place enough to suggest an accepted social order… so that bar is low.  Hmm.. the next bar is esteem… followed by the actualization bar.  Now we are entering somewhat murky waters.  You see, the first three needs can be satisfied as a group… a form of communal bond.  But these last two pertain to the individual… and there is the rub.

There are other occasions,  though, when people are unable to satisfy their need for esteem through constructive
behavior. When this need is dominant an individual may resort to disruptive or immature behavior;  maybe a child may throw a temper tantrum,  or employees may engage in work restriction or arguments with their coworkers or boss.   Thus, recognition is not always obtained through mature or adaptive behavior.  It is sometimes garnered by disruptive and irresponsible actions… or cases of severe depression and/or anxiety.  In fact, some of the social problems we have today have their roots in the frustration of esteem needs.

Once esteem needs begin to be adequately satisfied, the self-actualization needs become more important.  Self  actualization is the need to maximize one’s potential, whatever it may be.  A musician must play music, a poet must write, a general must win battles, a professor must teach.  As Maslow expressed it,  "What a man can be, he must be."  Thus, self-actualization is the desire to become what one is capable of becoming.  Individuals satisfy this need in different ways.  In one person it may be expressed in the desire to be an ideal mother; in another it may be expressed in managing an organization; in another it may be expressed athletically; in still another by playing the piano.

A couple examples...
In combat, a soldier may put his life on the line and rush a machine-gun nest in an attempt to destroy it, knowing full well that his chances for survival are low. He is not doing it for affiliation or recognition, but rather for what he thinks is important.  In this case, you may consider the soldier to have self-actualized; to be maximizing the potential of what is important to him at that time.  (Yeah, I know.. all this is pretty heady stuff, but stick with me)

In addition, the hierarchy does not necessarily follow the pattern described by Maslow.  It was not his intent to say that this hierarchy applies universally. Maslow felt this was a typical pattern that operates most of the time. He realized, however, that there were numerous exceptions to this general tendency.  For example, the Indian leader, Mahatma Gandhi,  frequently sacrificed his physiological and safety needs for the satisfaction of other needs when India was striving for independence from Great Britain.  In his historic fasts, Gandhi went weeks without nurishment to protest governmental injustices.  He was operating at the self-actualization level while some of his other needs were unsatisfied.

To achieve individuality we have to surrender individuality?
The esteem and actualization needs, in conflict with the social needs, is the key to our individual struggles we have today regarding our individual feelings of sexuality.  Sex has become less of a natural act of procreation and more an act of fulfilling enjoyment.  Our African ancestors cared little about foreplay, ‘G’ spots, favorite positions, or mutually timed orgasms.  Nature doesn’t care either, insofar that it doesn’t get in the way of survival of the fittest.   As our physiological needs became met then we established a social structure to govern those needs.. customs, government, and of course religion.  Suddenly an individual had to conform his thoughts, words, and actions to the dictates of the group... or suffer in the esteem and actualization categories.  And this brings us to our feelings about sex… and our feelings for how we may want sex… and.. guilt.

But since we have been discussing how Maslow's needs has shifted modern man from the 'survival' needs to more personal 'self' needs there is also a shift in the reason for sex.   The 'pleasure' bar has increased to a point over the 'reproduction' bar because our modern day needs have changed.  In exploring our self-actualization needs we have also explored what gives us pleasure... makes us happy.  From hobbies, to mind-altering drugs, to sexual expression... our focus is on ourselves for mental and physical, and physiological, challenges to keep our minds active.  While a modern female may have a natural-given preference for strong athletic men she might now imagine such a male tying her to a bed and ravaging her sexually or inflicting a level of pain in order to heighten the pleasure from simply the natural act itself of procreation, which she probably does not want (who's thinking of making babies when you are getting your ass whipped.. or playing dead?).  It's more akin to the focus shifting from having sex to make babies to finding the best orgasm.

But the interesting thing with all this is that nature doesn't care how we do it or enjoy it... just that we do it at all.  You may not have wanted to get pregnant during that wild and kinky asphyx/necro sex play that sent you both to orgasmic heights... but somehow it happened... and our species continues.