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Rob's Necrophilia Fantasy
SECTION 2
FANTASIES & FETISHES
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"Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates..."
Fantasies
Fetishes
Short List of Sexual Paraphilias  (Feature Segment)
- "Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates..." -
That "Gump-ian" quip illustrates the diversity of life and us human beings...  each one of us representing a different taste of humanity.  What makes us so complex compared to the rest of the animal kingdom is our apparent contradictory desires and motivations.  We pride our species as being the embodiment of individual awareness yet we rely so heaviliy on each other.  We guard our desire for personal privacy and expression yet we organize into communities for social order and protection.  It only follows suit that our sexual habits would be as diverse and seemingly contradictory as well.  While the rest of the animal kingdom engages in sex according to instinctual triggers us humans have made it 'enjoyable'.  What varies is what each of us regards as sexual 'enjoyment'.  I say "po-tay-toh" you say "po-tah-toh"...  the end result is still a starchy root.

<>What Are Fantasies and Fetishes?
Well, one definition of fantasy according to Webster's reads, "the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need."  I would add "or desire" at the end of that sentence because a need suggests a dependence or requirement.  One can desire yet not need.
Webster defines fetish as, "an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression.".  This one I have a bit of trouble with.. I mean, what's the definition of 'complete sexual expression'?  I think good ol' Web may be meaning interfering with, "the natural act of procreative sex".  I think many of us can express ourselves sexually without having to penetrate or be penetrated sexually. 
 
 
- Fantasies -
Perhaps the best way to discuss fantasies is simply to pass on the writings from a couple authors on the subject.

Exploring Sexual Fantasies

Virtually everyone fantasizes about sex, whether they are male or female, young or older, married or single, sexually frustrated or sexually happy. But the content and nature of sexual fantasies vary tremendously, sex therapists say. You may fantasize about sex with a "generic" sex partner - faceless and anonymous. Just as likely, the object of your fantasies is someone real: an attractive stranger glimpsed on the street; a friend or acquaintance; a celebrity; a former lover - even your own spouse. 

Some fantasies are extended sexual scenarios, filled with elaborate details. Others are quite spare. "You may, for instance, just imagine one act - a kiss, oral sex, or intercourse - or one feeling, such as orgasm," says psychologist Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., author of The New Male Sexuality. 

While fantasies can, and do, take place without the accompaniment of sexual activity, both sexes often engage in fantasy while masturbating or during sex with a partner. Some people vary the fantasies they have; some have a favorite fantasy (or two or three) that they rely on to get aroused and reach orgasm. 

Is It Okay to Fantasize? 
Generally, therapists agree, engaging in sexual fantasy is a harmless pleasure. It boosts sexual arousal and makes people feel good. As Zilbergeld puts it, "Even though we're not likely to ever have sex with fourteen Playboy models, it can feel very good to imagine doing so." Fantasizing, and sharing sexual fantasies, can also add excitement to a couple's sex life (more about this later). 

Yet "lots of people feel guilty or ashamed about having sexual fantasies," says Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Turn Ons (Plume, paperback, 1999) and Seductions (Plume, paper, 2000). According to Barbach, people are most likely to feel uneasy about fantasies that involve someone other than one's partner, or someone they consider "inappropriate": for instance, a relative, someone much younger or older, or someone of the same sex (if the person fantasizing is heterosexual). 

But "the things we fantasize about are not necessarily things we would choose to act on," adds Barbach. In fact, people frequently don't wish to act on the fantasies they have. Fantasizing about sexual situations, including those that are unusual or extreme, is "a safe way to experience and explore our erotic feelings in all their infinite variety." 

For example, says Barbach, many women have "rape" fantasies, in which they are sexually overtaken by an unknown man. "In this type of fantasy, a woman imagines that the man is so taken with her, he has to have her," says Barbach. But, she emphasizes, "in no way does having such a fantasy mean that a woman wants to be raped in real life." Indeed, when a woman has a "rape" fantasy, she is actually controlling the conditions of the encounter in her mind. This safe and idealized fantasy of sexually submitting to a powerful stranger is a far cry from the trauma of actual rape. 

Similarly, most men who fantasize about sexually overpowering a woman are not would-be rapists. Says Zilbergeld, "People who feel guilty about their fantasies need to remind themselves that there is a big difference between imagining doing something and actually carrying it out." Most of us have no wish to act on fantasies that would, if played out in reality, jeopardize our marriages, complicate our lives, or harm ourselves or another person. 

Another, less serious pitfall to acting on sexual fantasies is that the reality may prove far less exciting than what was imagined. Barbach describes a married couple she knows who had long fantasized about having a threesome with another woman. Finally, "they did bring a second woman into their bed," she says. "And the whole experience was a letdown. It wasn't wonderful at all. So that fantasy got blotched, and the couple no longer enjoy the fantasy anymore." 

While sexual fantasy, in itself, is harmless, sometimes fantasizing can signal problems in one's personal life. For instance, says Barbach, "If you are not happy in your relationship and you are constantly fantasizing about other people, that can be a danger sign. It's not so much the content of the fantasy that's a problem, as the context - using fantasy to escape the fact that you're not happy with or turned on by your partner." Warning signs can include fantasies that are compulsive (you can't stop thinking about it) or the inability to get aroused without fantasizing. If you suspect that fantasy is a problem for you, "you need to take an honest look at your situation," advises Barbach. "Are you happy in your relationship? Does your partner excite you? Is there any way you can improve your sex life?" 

The Internet, with its anonymous access to numerous adult-oriented forums and chat rooms, provides a fertile ground for engaging in sexual fantasy with strangers. For the single Net user, this can be a harmless and pleasurable outlet (though spending too many hours online can interfere with opportunities to meet real-life partners). But what about married men or women who log on to swap fantasies with others in cyberspace? Does this behavior constitute a threat to the marriage? 

It can, notes Emily Brown, a family and marriage therapist, and author of Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity. "I've seen many marriages stressed by a partner's Net involvement." 
According to Brown, the very nature of the Internet encourages fantasy. "When you hook up with someone in a chat room or start an e-mail relationship, your fantasies about them build. It's very easy to fantasize about someone you haven't met. The Internet partner assumes the image of being the perfect partner, someone better than the current reality." 

Even if the people online never arrange to meet, the very process of communicating can hurt a marriage because "much of the person's energy and attention is focused on the Internet partner, rather than their actual partner." In fact, getting involved in a cyber-romance in the first place is often a sign that a marriage needs help. 

However, Brown thinks that making an occasional foray into an adult chatroom or fantasy forum is probably harmless. "This is more or less the equivalent of a man looking at an attractive woman while he's out in public, and having erotic thoughts about her. As long as the behavior isn't chronic and doesn't interfere with a person's primary relationship, I don't see it as a problem." 

Using Fantasy to Enhance Your Relationship 
Engaging in sexual fantasy is not only enjoyable - it can also add spark to your relationship. According to sex therapists, most men and women fantasize at least some of the time during foreplay or intercourse. This isn't a bad thing: Indeed, it often results in greater arousal and, subsequently, hotter lovemaking. 

Fantasy can be of particular benefit to men over 40, notes Zilbergeld. As it becomes more difficult, with age, to get spontaneous erections, men require more physical and mental stimulation to get and stay hard. "If a man wants to enhance his arousal by imagining a wild sexual scenario, it doesn't mean he's not attracted to his partner or that he doesn't love her," says Zilbergeld. "He can use that arousal as a tool, directing it toward her." The end result, he says, is that both benefit from the man's increased excitement. 

In The New Male Sexuality, Zilbergeld describes a technique called "simmering," in which fantasy can be used to increase arousal and prepare for a sexual encounter. While the book is geared toward men, Zilbergeld says the technique can also be used by women. 

It works this way: When something triggers a sexual feeling, like the sight of a good-looking stranger or a memory of an exciting encounter," focus on that feeling. "Whatever you're imagining, get into it," writes Zilbergeld. "Run your own X-rated movie." Continue this for awhile. Then, every couple of hours or so, come back to the sexual imagery. "You can imagine exactly what you did the first time or change the experience any way you like." 

The last step in the exercise is "to incorporate your real partner in the fantasy is she's not already included." Develop this fantasy any way you like; give your imagination free reign. "When you get home with your partner, you'll probably be highly aroused and ready for a good time." Zilbergeld adds that it is a good idea to prepare your partner ahead of time to let her know you are feeling amorous. "This way you'll both be ready to go when you get together, or at least you'll be aware of what obstacles may exist." 

Many couples derive excitement from telling each other their sexual fantasies. If you and your partner would like to try sharing fantasies, however, "you should talk about this ahead of time and see if either of you has any limitations as to what you would be comfortable hearing about," suggests Barbach. For instance, she says, some people would find it upsetting to hear their partner fantasize about someone "real": a friend, co-worker or anyone else who exists in that person's life. Someone else may be put off by fantasies involving scenes of rape or bondage, or of sex with a minor. 

"If you feel that way, you should let your partner know, I'm open to hearing about anything except... and then fill in the blank with whatever is off-limits," says Barbach. Once the two of you are comfortable with the idea of sharing fantasies, you can do this as part of foreplay, or even, if you're able to get the words out, while making love. 

Some couples find it particularly exciting to act out their fantasies together: a process known as role playing. When you role play, you are acting out a sexual scenario that can be as simple or elaborate as you choose. You may want to pretend, for instance, that one or both of you is a celebrity, or even a fictional character. (The latter can provide good fantasy material for avid readers - or writers. One married writer says he sometimes likes to pretend during lovemaking that his wife is one of the female characters in his novels.) 
Or you can act out scenarios involving dominance and submission. You may want to use props to enhance your fantasy: special clothing, sex toys, silk scarves or ties used as restraints.

Barbach talked to men and women who shared with her some of the fantasies they have acted out together: 
One couple went out to dinner, pretending that they were "a prostitute and her john." They spent the meal "negotiating" what he would pay her and the things he would do to her once they got to "his" apartment. 
During a couple's hotel stay, the husband left the room and then knocked on the door, pretending he was the bellboy. The wife, in the role of a business woman traveling alone, went about seducing him. 

Another couple arranged to run into each other in a hotel lobby. "They acted as if they didn't know each other and were picking each other up," says Barbach. "Then they `decided' to register for a room together." When describing the episode to Barbach, the wife said with a big smile, " `You should have seen the desk clerk's face!'" 

(I do not know the name of the author who wrote this as this was passed on to me from a reader.)

The following is another author's exploration into sexual fantasies with some clinical study as to the kinds of fantasies we have.
 
The Science of Sex:
Glenn Wilson on Sexual Fantasies

Consider the kinds of things that people report thinking about in their fantasies. This is more relevant to the sexual nature of men and women than comparisons of actual sexual behaviour, because fantasies are less constrained by partner preferences and social expectations. In 1987 I reported a survey in which large numbers of men and women were asked to describe in written, narrative form details of their favourite sexual fantasy. Since they were invited to do this anonymously there was little likelihood of conscious inhibition of responses. 

When a content analysis of these self-reported fantasies was conducted (Table; columns total more than 100 because categories are not mutually exclusive, from Wilson, 1987a) it became clear that the typical fantasies of men and women were quite different. By far the most common element in male fantasies was group sex or sex with two other women; for example, 'being tied to a bed with six or more naked women licking, kissing and fellating me'. Thirty-one per cent of men included elements of group sex in their fantasies; the equivalent figure for women was only 15 per cent (Wilson, 1987a). 

Table Main elements of anonymously reported sexual fantasies (in percentages) 

Fantasies                                            Men (N = 291)      Women (N = 409)
Group sex                                             31                             15
Voyeuristic/fetishistic                             18                               7
Steady partner incorporated                  14                             21
Identified people (other than partner)       8                               8
Setting romantic/exotic                            4                             15
Rape/force                                             4                              13
Sado-masochism                                    7                               7
None                                                     5                              12
Everything                                              3                               0
No answer                                           21                             19

The second most common theme in the male fantasies could be described as visual or voyeuristic, referring to clothing such as black stockings and suspenders, sexy underwear, leather, or nurses' uniforms; for example, ''A sixteen-year-old virgin dressed in a short-skirted school uniform and who wears a hairband all the time'. Eighteen per cent of men had fetishistic elements like this in their favourite fantasy, but very few women did. 

Other primarily male elements, perhaps related to the visual emphasis, were details of anatomy, reference to the age or race of the partner, and description of the sexual activity that was engaged in. Only very occasionally would women refer to anonymous physical characteristics such as the size of the man's penis, the hairiness of his chest or his ethnic origins. 

The most common element in female fantasies was inclusion of the husband or current loved partner (21 per cent). Only 14 per cent of males admitted their wives or current partners into their favourite fantasies. The second typically female characteristic was reference to exotic, romantic settings such as islands, beaches, forests, fields, flowers, waterfalls, moonlight, space and heaven (15 per cent); for example, 'My man making love to me on a quiet beach in the moonlight with the waves lapping over us'. The partner was usually present in these settings, and several women mentioned freedom from distraction, often from children or telephone, as an important aspect. Only 4 per cent of male fantasies included romantic settings such as this. 

Another common female element was that of rape or force (13 per cent), although very often this meant being raped by the husband, partner or somebody already desired; for instance, being 'raped by somebody I love'. A much smaller proportion of men (4 per cent) said they would like to be raped by women, and a few fantasized being totally submissive to a female partner. 

Although some people might think that women are more reticent with respect to their sex lives, there was no gender difference in willingness to answer this question about sex fantasies. It appeared as part of a larger questionnaire with no compulsion to complete all items. Twenty-one per cent of men left the question blank, compared with 19 per cent of women. However, more than twice as many women as men (12 per cent compared with 5 per cent) stated that they had no sexual fantasies; for example, 'I don't need fantasies because I am perfectly happy with my man and my sex life.' Three per cent of men, but no women, claimed to fantasize about 'everything'. 

If sexual fantasies were scored for 'masculinity-femininity' in the manner that Eysenck scored sexual attitudes and preferences, a similar pattern of overlapping curves would be obtained. The fantasies of men and women have some things in common, but there also tend to be clear differences. 

Many other differences between men and women in sexual fantasy patterns can be detected. If fantasies are classified into those that are 'active' (taking the initiative in some sexual activity) and those that are 'passive' (having something done to oneself) it becomes clear that men are much more likely to have active fantasies overall (Figure; Comparison of men and women on active and passive fantasy scores, from Wilson and Lang, 1981); men also report slightly more passive fantasies than women. Nevertheless, the ratio of active to passive fantasies is much higher for men than for women (Wilson and Lang, 1981). 

There is an interesting difference in the connections between fantasy and reality. Those women who report exploratory fantasies seem to have no difficulty in translating their fantasy into actual behaviour. The correlation between fantasy and activity is very high (Wilson, 1978). The men are not so lucky; those who fantasize about having a lot of different partners are no more successful with women than those men who are less variety-orientated in their fantasies. Supply and demand in the sexual market-place works in such a way that for women an activity is little sooner desired than done, whereas men often have to settle for pornography and masturbation as outlets for their redundant libido. 

Another striking difference between the fantasy life of men and women concerned their connections with sexual satisfaction . Generally speaking, those men who reported a great deal of sex fantasy had no partners or were in some sense sexually unfulfilled. Women who engaged in a great deal of fantasy were usually also having an active and satisfying sex life with a loved partner. Thus it seems that men's fantasies often signify sexual frustration, while women's fantasies are awakened or liberated by sexual activity. 

Glenn Wilson, The Great Sex Divide, pp. 10-14. Peter Owen (London) 1989; Scott-Townsend (Washington D.C.) 1992. 


- Fetishes -

By definition above we see that fetishes are typically attractions to body parts or inanimate objects that are used to enhance sexual expression.  Sometimes fetishes can be sexual 'surrogates'... substitutions for the real act of sex.  For example... necrophilia, the act of having sex with a dead person technically is a fetish interest because the corpse is an inanimate non-living object.  For all practical purposes, necrophilia is simply a form of masturbation with an inanimate object.  But it's important to remember here in our discussion of fetishes that we keep in perspective the difference between a true fetish and a fantasy fetish.  Generally speaking, the psych community recognizes a fetish as being an obsession or part of a greater obsession.  In other words, the person with a given fetish cannot even function on a sexual level without their fetish representation.  They've even assembled a list of known 'paraphilias', a list of fetishes.

<>But on another level there are also fantasy fetishes.  Those are the most popular with most of us and tend to be a passive enhancement to sex rather than an obsession.  In fact, many of us have a broad range of what could be called fetish interests... having more than one fetish interest.


Feature Segment - Short List of Sexual Paraphilias
The following is a partial list of common “philias”, or “paraphilias” as the scientists would term them as they describe obsessive behaviors (a more complete list can be found in Appendix D).  Please keep in mind this is simply a list for informational purposes to help in your own personal understanding and the definitions are kept relatively simple.  When it comes to sexual fantasies one person could having many overlapping interests. <>Zoophilia:  Sex with animals
Formicophilia: Sexual attraction to smaller animals, insects, etc. crawling on parts of the body.
Klismaphilia: Receiving enemas
Olafactophilia: Sexual stimulus with smells or odors
Mysophilia: Sexual thoughts or sex with something dirty.. i.e., clothing
Coprophilia: Sexual attraction with excrement.. giving or receiving.
Vampirism:  Sexual arousal attained through blood extraction
Telephone Scatophilia:  Sexual arousal in explicit phone conversations with strangers.
Narratophilia: Sexual arousal in the use of dirty or obscene words to a partner.
Chrematistophilia:  Being charged for sex or robbed by one’s sexual partner.
Saliromania: Soiling or damaging a partner’s clothing
Vomerophilia: Sexual attraction to the act of vomiting
Somnophilia: Having sex with a sleeping partner
Symphorophilia:  Sexual attraction with stage-managing a disaster, such as a traffic accident
Hypoxyphilia:  Sexual asphyxia
Morphophilia:  A sexual focus on one or more body characteristics.
Partialism:  Overlap of morphophilia; sexual focus on hands, feet, breasts, etc.
Stigmatophilia: Sexual focus on a partner who is tatooed or scarred
Abasiophilia:  Sexual attraction to a lame or crippled partner
Autoabasiophilia:  Sexual attraction to oneself being lame or crippled
Acrotomophilia: Sexual attraction to the stump of a partner resulting from an amputation
Apotemnophilia:  Focus on sexual stimulus to one’s own stump from an amputation
Infantilism: Sexual pleasure from acting/dressing like an infant
Adolescentilism:  Sexual pleasure from acting or dressing like an adolescent
Andromimetophilia: Female-to-male sexual attraction to someone who has had a sex change
Gynemimetophilia: Male-to-female sexual attraction to someone who has had a sex change
Scoptophilia:  Sexual pleasure from watching other people have sex
Triolism: Sharing a sexual partner with another person while looking on.
Pictophilia: A focus on viewing obscene or pornographic movies, pictures, videos. 
End of Feature Segment -

Using the above list I could describe myself as being a fantasy necrophile (sex with the dead) and somnophile (sex with a sleeping person), with strong elements of morphophilia (I love girls' arms... under them specifically, and breasts of any size).  Does all this mean I can't have or enjoy what's more commonly referred to as 'traditional sex'?  Of course not.  These are all elements that make my response to sex more enjoyable.  Now, when you look this list over you can see things you might be interested in... or in the least use them in foreplay or masturbation.  Certainly most of us can admit to being 'pictophiliacs' to some degree.

Bottom line, fetishes and fantasies can work in tandem to provide a fulfilling sexual feeling.  Again, it's all part of being human.

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