It's Tough Being a Teenager... I've Been There

A Teenage Recognition -
Heck, we've all been there.  Sometimes I look back and wonder how I ever survived it all.  The extrodinary pressures from peers, parents, educators, and society.  Since my days as a teen communications has exploded and with the Internet, cable TV, and cell phones come an additional daily bombardment of new ideas, concepts, fads, products... and the ever-changing political and economic scene.  Add to that mix dual-income households where both parents are working, and the rise in divorce rates forcing one parent families... all this has a major impact on teenagers of today far more than in my day.  And all this is besides all the physical body changes going in and the normal teen identity issues.  It's no wonder some of this ends up in volitile outbursts of violence, depression, suicide, or all three.

Why are you here?  Actually, it's not different than most anyone else.  For the most part you stumbled in here doing a search on something totally unrelated... you're doing a term paper or research paper... or you simply have a curiosity about some feelings you might have on this subject.  The majority of my emails and chats from teens tend to come more from females than male.  There tends to be a relationship with this subject and those who express themselves 'gothically', which typically are females.  While there are a few males who pop in here with a sincere curiosity some are also in here as a result of pursuing some interest in necophilia-type music or the shock-value counter-culture it depicts... the latter group not having much of an interest to read and broaden their horizons.

It's important to understand what brought you in here because it provides a basis for understanding that part of your sexual feelings you are beginning to question and explore.  There are three important aspects to a teen's life.  The first is simply trying to find an identity to make life fit somehow.  If you screw up your parents are always telling you to act mature and grow up and accept responsibility... yet, you're not old enough to yet identify with 'adult maturity' much less being recognized by anyone that you aren't a kid anymore.  It's an in-between stages dilemma.

The second aspect to a teen's life is that you are 'trapped' in the relatively closed society called high school.  Your every living breathing moment is spent trying to fit into the social order, jockying for recognition and peer acceptance in one of the many acceptable social groups and cliques, trying to keep good grades so the adults are off your back... and you have to do all this in an environment of educational and social competitiveness.  You need to keep up your grades and do well on the SAT's in order to get to college.. and socially you're competing for friendships within your own gender and trying to date with the opposite gender while at the same time trying not to compromise your own feelings by doing things you feel are uncomfortable... yet still be cool and fit in.  It's all about appearance; how you dress, how you act, how you talk, how you like your music... and how materialistic you need to get to fit in.

The third aspect is homelife and family.  For the most part by the time we get to be teens we've spent enough years being raised and under someone's wing and we'd prefer not being at home, hence the struggle to be liberated... or at least go through the motions.  Society says we are old enough to stay home alone, watch younger siblings, accept basic responsiblities, get a job for after school and weekends, and most important... drive a car.  But we aren't old enough to be on our own and make decisions regarding our own health and welfare. It's all about struggling for personal freedoms and independence... or in the least being recognized that you are a human being.

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Sex, Virginity, and Things in Between

How It All Started -
Nature seems to be to blame for making sex such a complex interaction among teenagers.  After all, humans have evolved through procreation and nature has provided humans with the ability to reach sexual maturity at the seemingly young age of 12 years old (on the average).  In our present society there's the feeling that sexual activity at that age, and for a few years older, is not responsible activity.  So what happens is that teenagers become armed with the instincts of sexual reproduction before society deems it appropriate for them to engage in such activity.  Why this disparity?  Well, in Section 1 I discuss the origin of human sexuality and how our psychological and physical needs can take shape to affect our sexual awareness.  But let's explore how this all occurs as it relates to the teenage years.

First off, you should realize that our current society.. that is, modern man going back a few hundred years,  is nothing like  previous, or ancient, man.  For most of the history of mankind, from cave man days to the Middle Ages,  humans lived off the land.  Parents passed on learning skills to hunt and gather, raise young, build shelters from the elements, and defend themselves.   Humans did not have a long life span like today.  Someone in their 30's was considered old, presumming they lived even that long.  So to ensure the human species survived nature evolved humans to attain sexual maturity in order to begin reproduction at an age that, at the time, was about 1/3 of the life expectancy, or somewhere around 10-12 years old.

Well, as time passed and man developed science and industrial progress the need for parents to pass on the traditional hunting and gathering survival skills became less and less necessary simply because people came together in communities and began to barter skills.  Some were farmers, some made clothes, some built shelters, etc.  With this progress and use of science life expectancies began to creep upwards.  The specific need to have children for family survival was now taking less of an importance... and education of the young shifted from hunting/gathering skills toward more cerebral lattitudes in order to learn a trade or develop skills to compete in society.  Social structures began to dictate ages when sexual activity should be permitted because child-bearing at the young ages ended up being more of a social problem in trying to deal with young parents not having the skills yet to compete within that social order and having the sudden responibility for another life.  Why hasn't man then evolved somehow toward an increase in the sexual maturity age from 12 years?  Well, the main reason is that man has essentially been around for a million years, so the last few hundred years is not sufficient time in the grand evolutionary scheme to begin to change anything.  Although there seems to be some evidence that sexual maturity has crept ahead from 10 to 12 years of age in the last few thousand years.

Ok, well, that places us at the here and now.  Teens start getting the urges when society says they need to reign them in.  It's like giving someone a loaded gun and telling them they cannot use it... even if for plinking at a few cans.  But this doesn't even begin to factor in the 'love factor'.  We learn the concept of unconditional love nearly as soon as we are born.  Then as we develop friendships we begin to experience conditional love with others.  Adults tend to blow off the apparent fondness children have  for each other as 'puppy love'  when in reality it's just as valid a love as any adult might experience.  The difference is simply the level of emotional need being fulfilled and level of committment.  With teens having their own closed society and social circles it's very common for love to be expressed easily.  Generally speaking, the difference between teens and adults in the expression of love and sex is that teens are more available emotionally to devote attention toward those pursuits.  Adults are wrapped up in raising children, having a job to pay the bills and just experiencing in general health and social pressure needs teens just do not experience.  For the most part teens have no real self-sufficient survival needs; they will go home at the end of their day to 'free' shelter, food, and no bill responsibilites.  So it's tough when teens have a difficult time justifying their own feelings to adults.. their parents.. as being legitimate and not some child infatuation thing.

BUT... on the other hand, when it comes to expressing love and/or sexuality in relationships, teens are simply by nature of their young ages, not skilled in the potential ups and downs of relationship building.  Heck, many adults have trouble with that in spite of a lifetime of experiences.  And more often than not these days, I am seeing many teen relationships develop from simple needs not met in the home and family.  Teens then seek out each other for emotional support, which quite often can be interpreted as a caring relationship.. mixed with sex.  More often than not, teenage 'love' relationships are short duration relationships; someone is popular one day and a week later they are history.  Time is accelerated in the teenage world as daily social interactions are in such close quarters.

Bottom line, being a teen and subject to mature sexual instincts and emotions doesn't make life all that much easier.  But then again, we've all been through it.  What makes things different now are the additional pressures of the socio-economic realities of being raised in single parent households or households with parents who both work... either subject to critical shortcomings in providing guidance and influence that teens need desparately.  Then they go elsewhere.

Virginity, to Have and to Hold -
Perhaps the single most sexual concept for teens is virginity.  After all, it makes sense because as we become of age we are indeed all virgins at some point in our lives.  The fact of the matter is that nature could care less if we are virgins or not so our instinctual desires to procreate are not limited to the fact that we might be a virgin sexually.  Everyone has to have a first time if they choose to do so (or are forced against their will) and by that alone man has chosen to assign that some importance... primarily with females.  In ancient times it might have been religious fertility rites and in contemporary times it's a 'condition' you are morally expected to have until your wedding night.  But even at that, it's still more directed at females; males being somehow 'allowed', or even expected, to sow their wild oats (oddly, it takes another female to allow a guy to 'sow the oats', so to speak; chicken or the egg?  Although I highly suspect it's meant that an experienced woman would teach an inexperienced male.).

In reality the desire and choice for having sex remains up to the individual and that includes that all important decision as when to have sex for the very first time.  It's not the same for everyone and the reasons to have or not have sex are as varied and deeply personal.  But it's been my observation that many teens, generally females, end up being in a position where a relationship turned sour but not before there was sex and the loss of virginity.  The result has been guilt and regret.  Strangely, the conflicts that might arise with parents regarding sexual activity of their teenage children begin and end with the laws in this country.  Like it or not, teens under the age of 18 (in most states) are under the guardianship of their parents and that includes aspects of physical and emotional well-being.  A teen may feel independent enough to presume they can take responsibility for their own health and use of their body and therefore make decisions about when to have sex but the reality is that under the law they have NO such mandate.  Hence, the arguments, conflicts, and open rebellion teens might have in relationships with their parents simply adds to the overall stress levels... and feelings of guilt.  It's common among female teens to hear them retort, "If I ever got pregnant my parents would (kill or) disown me."  If that is the general feeling then it's obvious there's no communication from parent to child.  When my daughter became a teen I made it a point of conveying to her early on about how I understood teenage pressures and how I would always be on her side.. no matter what happened, even if she got pregnant.  She would always be our daughter.  I also gave that same support to my two boys.  Parents need to understand that kids will and do make mistakes, just as adults do, and when that happens that's the most important time to be there for them.

Ok, returning to virginity (hmm.. I bet many wish that were possible).  I recall feeling a little peer pressure about not being sexually active... but it truly wasn't that bad.  I don't see that being much different these days with males either.  Females on the other hand can be very pressured from two sides.  One side is their own gender peer pressure from friends and classmates.  But that's generally managable.  The tough pressure is with relationships with guys.  Many teen girls fall victim to guys who simply want sex, or oral sex, and will toss guilt onto the girl in order to attempt to compell her to do his bidding.  The girl feels she needs the emotional attention of this guy and many times will not resist.  But.. this isn't to suggest that girls are totally victims in these situations.  Teenage guys don't know much about relationships either.  They can also come from broken or inattentive homes and in their own way are trying to seek attention and guidance while at the same time wondering why their penis is hard most of the day.  Yes, a lot of it is genetic and instinctual.  But the teen years are all about learning to assume responbilities and males are plodding along in life with the females.  So, if more females simply told the guy "No!" and if more guys told the aggressive, assertive girl "No!", there would be a more effective system of checks and balances toward making someone from either gender a 'victim'.

Everyone, regardless of age, wants/wanted their first time sex to be significant as it will always be remembered.  But as far as quality of sex goes.. in other words, if the first time will somehow be the best sex imaginable, it generally falls far short.  Let's look at the first time from two angles.. guys and girls.  By the time guys are ready for first time sex they have probably been masturbating for years so reaching an orgasm is not generally an issue of question.  Although, as in my case (I was 24), I had some performance anxiety because of just that... I was only used to masturbating so I wondered how I could orgasm inside a vagina.  Fortunately it all worked properly.  But while some guys can indeed have some performance anxiety for various emotional reasons, guys usually are not predisposed toward having performance-robbing issues.  On the other hand (no pun intended), first-timer guys are no more experienced at how to pleasure a girl sexually either.

Girls are far more complex creatures.  Many have grown up in an environment of varying levels of sexual repression for moral or religious reasons, or have simply gotten caught up in the gender roles society in general has imposed upon us all.  The fortunate ones (male AND females, actually) have been raised in an environment that encourages free expression, promotes self-esteem, and supports education.  But regardless of the upbringing environment, understanding ones own growing sexuality and certain sexual fantasies can make for some pretty conflicting feelings.   For one thing, not all females have masturbated or even know if they ever have or how to even attempt it.  So right there is an apprehension about performance since they have read and heard that somehow girls are upposed to orgasm for good sex.  Then there's the issue of what kind of discomfort are they going to have being penetrated for the first time; what if the guy is too big?  Will there be a lot of blood?  Now, add to all that, the personal moral apprehension... Is this the right guy?  Am I ready to loose my virginity at this point in my life?

Sex, Virginity, and Religion "Who are you carrying all those bricks for anyway?  God?  Is that it.. God?  Well, I tell ya, let me give you a little information about God.  God likes to watch.  He's a prankster.  Think about it.  He gives Man... instincts.  He gives you this extraordinary gift and what does he do?  I swear, for his own amusement... for his own private cosmic gag reel... he sets the rules in opposition.  It's the goof of all time.  Look, but don't touch.  Touch.. but don't taste.  Taste, but don't swallow. HAHAHA!  And while you are jumping from one foot to the next, what is he doing?  He's laughing his sick, fucking ass off!  He's a tight ass; he's a sadist!  He's an absentee landlord!  Worship that?  NEVER!" - Al Pacino in "The Devil's Advocate" Movie dialog being what it is, it does point out the very apparent disparity between Man's natural instincts and the desire to control them... and to control them with others of his own kind... in the form of spiritual beliefs and the imposition of moral behavioral interpretation.  Interestingly, in this effort to try and control our instincts for the betterment of all we have exploited the use of guilt which by itself ends up being a personal social delimma many people struggle with on a daily basis... thusly affecting their own quality of life. Perhaps more than any other single influence to human sexuality, religion stands guard over sexual pleasure, enlightenment, and in many cases assumes the role of moral chastity belt.  While I have personal moral views on the mixing of sex and religion it is not for me here to attempt to judge those who choose to follow a religious path in order to guide their moral behavior in the manner they perceive will hold favor with the Alimighty.  I do feel, however, that we are all human and part of being human is coping with the natural instincts that makes us human, and the personal diversities that make us different individuals.  I defer with religion in that it's basic pretexts are to define 'sin' and thusly impose guilt as a way to devote one's life to some definition of pious purity in order to have a 'happy' afterlife.  It's not surprising that the defined sins happen to be primarily elements that make us all instinctual humans.   I also object when religion becomes a lifestyle that is so far removed from real life as to diminish one's own perspective of life; when the desire to have an open mind of all things human become selective to only those things that are not personally objectional.. and my favorite... when religion is used to dominate others, more specifically within the family (in other words, physical and/or emotional abuse).  In the defense of some religions, much of the zealot fundamentalism is the 'fault' of the believer; guilt run amok. BUT.. if you are a young person brought up in a religious lifestyle then only you can decide the degree and understanding you wish to explore about your own sexuality.  Unfortunately, religious beliefs tend to suggest that sexual desire is something to constantly fight off, or in the least place in the back of your mind until your wedding night.  My own thought is that if God created us in his own image then we are only acting according to his plan, so why fight it. Consider reading the segment down this page about 'Waiting Until Your Wedding Night?'.

Many teenage girls are opting to just give their boyfriends oral sex.  This tends to satisfy the shallow sexual urges of the guy and keeps the girl a virgin... and somehow preserve what little relationship they have between each other.  Again, a personal decision, not without it's own real risks.  My own opinion regarding teenage guys, especially the so-called school jocks who tend to have girls falling all over them, temptation can be great and many times it's the girls themselves who seduce the guys simply by their lavish attention.  Conversely, it's the guys who play into that by making sexual demands of their girlfriends using the all favorite line, "If you really love me you will let me do this."; the girl sometimes surrendering in a vain attempt at thinking she will keep the guy if she does what he wants (we will discuss issues following loss of virginity in another sub-section in this section).

A "Quick" Blurb On Penis Size... and other physical considerations (Don't laugh too hard as there are some real-world considerations here) When there's discussions of teenage sex, or even adult sex, very little is discussed about physical limitations.  Now, we are not talking here about physical inabilities to perform in certain positions (although that can be very real for some handicapped folks) but we are talking about the ability for a penis to enter a vagina.  It's pretty much a given that a lot of the mystique about first time sex with a female is her apprehension about the potential for pain initially, followed by the embarrassment of potential bleeding.  Unfortunately many times first time sex is not the great feeling you were led to believe it is because of the initial pain and the following discomfort. I think for the most part teens, or rather teenage girls, basically understand that there might be a thin membrane inside the vagina called the hymen ("maidenhead" in the old days) that typically will tear upon penetration (penis or any other object).  In older times (and perhaps in some more ancient cultures today) this membrane was considered proof of a woman's virginity.  In fact, this membrane can easily tear on its own as a woman develops, especially if she's physically active.  Also if a woman mastubates using objects to penetrate her vagina.  Generally speaking there is no enhanced feeling for a guy if it's there or not so for the most part a guy will never be able to tell if a woman is a virgin or not.  But SOMETIMES when the hymen is penetrated there might be a little blood associated with it, and some initial discomfort, and it very well could show up on a guy's penis (or condomized penis).  It's not indicative of the guy's penetration having 'broken' something inside you.  But.. this isn't to suggest that if a guy's penis is too large for your vagina that some damage couldn't be done if care and patience isn't taken. (Just a note... there is also a not uncommon situation with some girls in that their vaginal opening did not develop well as a kind of small birth defect.  Generally speaking there's usually a small entry hole about the size of an eraser on the end of a pencil.  These situations are generally discovered early but even if not, the correctional surgery to cut and re-form the entry is commonplace and successful in the vast majority of cases.) For those of you who don't know, penis sizes are on the average in the range of 5-6 inches.  But the critical word here is 'average'.  There are some smaller and there are some much larger.  They can not only vary in length but also in girth (diameter.. circumference).  A guy could have a 6 inch penis but a large girth to be a real entry problem for some women.  A guy could also be 8 inches long and not pose a vaginal entry problem inasmuch as being too long for the vagina to accept it all.  The depth of a typical vagina also varies.. anywhere from 6 to 9 inches.  So it doesn't take a rocket surgeon or a brain scientist to imagine what might happen if an 8 inch penis starts thrusting away into a 6 inch vagina.  The penis slamming into the cervix is not an overly comfortable feeling for a woman, generally speaking. Penis girth is an entirely different issue.  The vaginal entrance can expand to accept large diameters but sometimes it will be uncomfortable until such time as the woman gets acclimated to the size.  But there may be times where a woman will never acclimate or even fit it to begin with if the girth is excessive for that vagina (just check out ratemycock.com if you want to see how large a penis can get... but remember, these are uncommon sizes). Some guys, on the other hand, may not even be aware of their penis size being overly significant... much less even pausing to think of how deep their intended partner's vagina might be.  So, how does a guy or girl begin to understand if they physically can measure up to sex?  Glad you asked. There's an old male adage that if a guy claims to not knowing his penis size that he's a damn liar.  In reality, many younger guys don't bother cause it never crossed their mind, although through internet chats more are taking measurements cause it usually comes up in online discussions.  In any event, it's good for a guy to know his penis dimentions and it shouldn't be an indicator that you might be perverted or obsessed.  It's as normal as a woman knowing her breast size. Girls can measure the depth of their vagina generally very easily as well.  Find something small diameter from around the house.. maybe the handle end of either a toothbrush or kitchen knife.  Carefully insert it until you can go no further.. mark it with your thumb or finger, take it out.. and measure with a ruler.  Why are all these measurement necessary?  To establish a comfort level between two people and acknowledge that physically there might be little to prevent them from enjoying the sensation of sex. Now, if it turns out that the guy's penis is way too large or the girl's vagina is way too short then you both need to discuss openly these limitations and to try and work them out.  Perhaps the guy learns not to thrust too deeply... or he enters you very slowly if his girth is an issue.  Maybe you come up with a safety word to use if he gets too aggressive in his movements.  But.. there could also be a real possibility that he might never fit inside you.  That's a real tough call and it's only a decision both of you can make.  Sex is an important element in loving someone and for that not to be an option can make a relationship difficult... if impossible to continue on the longer term. One way to deal with any potential size problems is to discuss it openly with your partner.  The simplest way is to have your male partner insert one, two and maybe three fingers inside you gradually.  You might wish to experiment a bit with different size vibrators or dildos, gradually getting the vaginal opening used to an increased size.  This would certainly give first time sex a better chance of being more pleasurable. What about 'going anal' as an option?  Anal sex has it's own levels of risk under any normal situation.  Yes, it's normal to consider and even fantasize about it and desire it.  I've done it and I've enjoyed it... from a male's perspective.  But there is typically a concern that your internal parts, which are really quite fragile, can be damaged with things too large going in there.  No one wants a perforated rectum.  So common sense should be used if anal penetration is going to be engaged.  If your partner's penis is too large for your vagina then it's likely to be too large for anal sex. But one thing is for sure... if there is truly a physical mismatch that cannot be solved, or if your partner's size is consistantly uncomfortable, never sacrifice your pleasure and endure pain simply to keep your partner around.  It's not your fault or anyone's fault.  Just nature and random selection.

The truth be known about first time sex... more than likely it will not be the best sex of your life.  More than likely it will not be the grand release of emotional love and orgasmic pleasure your peers said it would be... and more than likely it could be a painful, if not emotionally disappointing event where typically a guy walks away relatively satisfied and the girl is left with conflicting emotions.  Why?  Because teenage guys and girls know very little about the physical and emotional power they have between their legs and how to manage it, much less how to manage relationships that might lead to the use or misuse of that power.  As we age in life, even if we still remain virgins, we learn by social interactions and become more adept at recognizing how we might feel toward others and we then can build more mature relationships that hopefully result in first time sex with far more compassion, understanding, and patience for each other, thus allowing for a greater chance of having a more pleasurable experience.   Enjoying sex is also evolutionary, both within ourselves in understanding what turns us on, and between ourselves and our partner in trying to understand and learn what turns each other on.  So first time sex right out of the box between adolescents is not likely to have all the elements of sexual arousal and enjoyment as it may have later in life.

GENERALLY SPEAKING... teens have the physical maturity to engage in sex but lack the emotional maturity to engage in it appropriately, at least as it relates to our current culture.  If teens are still under the guardianship of their parents then they most assuredly have no  more independence over their own health and welfare sexually (safe sex or not) any more than they would have with illegal consumption of alcohol or taking recreational drugs.  At least that's how the law is defined.

What Truly Makes a Virgin a 'Virgin'? -
As we've discussed thus far, historically speaking, when a guy penetrates a vagina for the first time and a woman has been penetrated by a penis for the first time then you cease being a virgin.  But I think we need to define the concept of virginity as it relates to modern day lifestyles and methods of safe sex.  For one thing, our culture still holds over the social stigma that a guy loosing his virginity is not as critical as a woman loosing her virginity and that continues to take it's toll on females in guilt and regret if their partner of choice for first time sex ends up leaving the relationship, which for teens is an often occurrance.  I've chatted with a number of teen women who carry the regret of having given themselves physically to a guy for their first time and the relationship broke up soon after for other reasons.  But here's some thoughts I have regarding 'true' virginity that I've passed on to some teens that sometimes helps.

In most cases teens are practicing safe sex by using condoms, generally speaking to prevent pregnancy.  Whether sex was consentual or date rape, condom use seems to be the norm these days.  Of course this is a good thing.  But in using a condom one should think about exactly how that affects the issue of virginity.  Technically speaking, a condomized penis is  little different than using a vibrator or dildo.  Think about it for a moment.  There's no skin-on-skin contact and there's no ejaculation into the vagina.  Both of those elements are significant in sexual  feeling and enjoyment.. and knowing the intimacy of the event.  Actually, according to nature, the act of reproduction is not consumated therefore condomized sex is much closer to masturbation than sex.  So, while a girl can claim that she might not be a virgin anymore because she had first time sex with a condomized penis.. at best she is saying, she was penetrated for the first time with latex.. or  an blunt object.  From my own perspective here, what I am saying is that 'true' sex is the original natural consentual concept  of a penis entering a vagina and ejaculating and thusly if two people are using a condom during first time sex then they are, in fact, still virgins.  True sex is far more than simply being penetrated.  Think about it.

What about  first time sex without the use of a condom?  Sometimes this is done from simply being wreckless or the female is taking birth control pills for some other hormonal deficiency inside the body and pregnancy is not an issue to warrant condom use.  In either case, if sex was consentual then both partners are virgins no more, even by my definition.  But what about unconsentual sex.. rape?   I mentioned in the previous paragraph above about sex being consentual as part of the definition of loss of virginity.  If a woman is raped and her rapist fails to use a condom then that satisfies nature's definition of true sex.  But I contend that loss of virginity must include a willingness to loose it with a selected partner.  A rape victim can claim that she was a victim of unconsentual first time sex but does that technically mean she has lost her virginity?  According to nature, yes.  But.. according to a greater moral definition a woman looses her virginity to the partner she selects.  Therefore, a rape victim could still be a virgin in the moral sense.  Perhaps even more so because after a rape a woman is generally very apprehensive about future sex even with a partner of choice simply because of her trauma.  So the same patience and understanding from a male partner toward a woman engaging in first time sex is also necessary in engaging with a woman who was the vitcim of rape her first time.  Admittedly this is all a matter of perspective.. but it is solid perspective based on some element of common sense.

Orgasms.. Fact & Fantasy -
When teens first hear 'rumors' about sex, usually in the schoolyard or discussed quietly in hallway corners or sleepovers,  it invariably includes the mention of achieving an orgasm.  As you are probably already aware, orgasms are vastly different for male and females.  But let's first look at what an orgasm is, and how it's different between the genders.
In guys orgasms are a heightened level of sexual excitment that results in certain contractional muscle actions that serve to bring semen from the prostate (located inside the body just above the penis) and mix it with sperm (from the testicles) and 'propel' it with some force (up to 60mph I am told) so that it has a better chance of meeting the egg inside the vagina. 
With females, the heightened level of sexual excitment also results in some lower abdominal muscle contractions that may tend to help pull sperm to the egg.  You should remember... while engaging in sex may be cool, feel good, be fun recreation, whatever, nature's whole purpose with the act of sex is to allow humans to reproduce.  The 'feeling good' part is simply part of nature's plan to help us to desire to engage in sex.  Even oral sex serves a basic natural purpose (see Section 1) beyond just feeling good.  The increased levels of hormones in adolescents, males in particular, is intentional by nature in that it's  the young that are typically best suited for reproduction; with young females best suited for giving birth and being alive long enough to nurture their children to their own adulthood.

But what actually makes one orgasm emotionally?  That's another one of those variants that make us a diverse species.  Generally, male orgasms are centered at the penis and results in an erection.  Males tend to respond to more visual stimuli (hence the interest in pornographic images and in preferring relationships with females that fit a desired appearence) and girls tend to respond more to the sensory feelings (hence the need for touching, caressing, kissing, vocalizing, and other elements typically defined as foreplay).  But females can also experience two basic sources of orgasm.. clitoral and vaginal.  Clitoral orgasms tend to be the more common as the clitoris is in essence a minature penis with simlar nerve sensations.  This is also the common source of masturbation orgasms for  females.  Vaginal orgasms are a little rarer but generally occur when a penis or some other object is inserted into the vagina.  This is why it's fairly rare that both partners will engage in sex and orgasm together, like in the movies.  Depending on the position, a woman does not always orgasm when a guy's penis is inside her... as guys tend to think.

Masturbation... or, taking things into your own hands -
Ok.. cheap pun.. but masturbation is in fact the process by which give ourselves some level of sexual satisfaction without the presence of a partner.  For the most part, with both genders, it's manipulating your genitals to a point of orgasm.  As mentioned before, males tend to acquire the desire and natural ability to masturbate fairly easy and part of that has to do with the relative ease (compared to females) in achieving an orgasm.  But regardless of gender, for most of us masturbation is our first 'sexual' encounter.  It's generally the result of growing up and exploring one's own body from baby upwards.  Over time we discover that touching ourselves in various places can give us pleasure.  It's a perfectly natural process that can be experienced up until we die at a ripe old age.  As I discuss in Section 1, it's theorized that nature's process of male masturbation tends be the way in which old sperm (sperm does age) is cleared out thus stimulating fresh production.  Masturbation with females is nature's way to introduce hormonal activity through the release of certain endorphines, thus helping to provide an overall chemical balance to enhance sexual desire and subsequent childbearing.  But, again, it's important to note that males tend to orgasm more quickly and far less often than a female.  Females can have multiple orgasms in a short span of time and don't require a rest period in between orgasms like a guy does..

What if you've never orgasmed or don't know if you have?  For guys that's not always an issue unless there's certain emotional and/or physical limitations, which tend to be rare (and should have medical attention).  But as we've discussed already, females are sexually more complex as their sexual pleasure arises from a number of sensory sources, many times a componant of all the five senses.  Therefore, it's very possible for a woman, especially a young woman, to never have even masturbated much less orgasmed.  This can be the result of family environment, religious upbringing, or simply sexual ignorance.  It can also be a part of depression (from a past emotional trauma or some other physiological imbalance).  What results when girls who have trouble masturbating to orgasm is that there could be a natural reluctance to take a romantic relationship to the next step toward something sexual out of fear or embarrassment.  This is when the a caring partner can make all the difference in the world.  The sad part is that in the teenage arena the typical male partner has not had all that much experience themselves in relationships to know how valuable patience and understanding might be in a physical relationship.  After all, he's been conditioned to think that sticking his penis into a vagina is going to give a woman an orgasm.. or he's not doing his job right.  Obviously, that's incorrect.

Waiting Until Your Wedding Night?
There are many young people, male and female, who for whatever reason, have decided to forgo any kind of sexual play up to an including intercourse, until their wedding night.  I recall as I was growing up I somehow evolved into having a level of guilt at masturbating, which also included conjuring up erotic thoughts in my mind that weren't totally 'wholesome'.  Now, while I was raised in a typical middle class go-to-church-on-Sunday environment we were not overly religious.  Yet for some reason my pre-teen masurbatory years included a measure of guilt, albeit not obsessive.  But as fate would have it me and my wife were virgins until we married at 24.  Now for me it was nothing moral I was following but my wife was from a guilt-ridden, mother-domineering Catholic environment.  So outside of some touchy-feely stuff I opted not to pressure her into sex before marriage in order to not make her already guilty life even more guilty thus affecting her overall happiness.  We would kiss and she felt her mother had eyes on her no matter what she did.  But did this waiting until the wedding night have an overall affect on our sexuality?  It most certainly did.

Since I had never engaged in sex prior to the marriage (just never an opportunity.. too shy) I had no idea on how to pleasure a woman sexually.  On her end, she never even masturbated and had no idea about her own sexuality thusly it was not like we could communicate with each other as to how and where we'd like to be touched.  So, over the years we simply evolved into a sexual relationship that with her was never motivated by lust (which is part of a sexual relationship.. the desire for sex) but turned into more of an affirmation of our love for each other via this physical intimacy.  To my knowledge, she has never had an orgasm.  But how would I know.  Over time she viewed sex as a part of my attention I gave to her that she welcomed.  But in the end.. after over 30 years of marriage, we were never truly sexual 'partners'.  It wasn't until I reach my late 40's and had a couple outside 'experiences' did I come to realize the importance of experience... if for nothing else than to understand one's own sexuality so that you can communicate your desires to a significant other.  Obviously the number would suggest that not all wait-until-marriage couples experience the same sexual issues... but the fair majority probably do experience sexual issues, and many probably don't know any better one way or another.  But for me I kept feeling that there had to be much more than 'this' sexually, which kept feeding my curiosity.

Is there away around the inexperience for people wishing to wait until their wedding day?  Well, part of the answer to that rests with the reasons behind your desire to wait.  If your desire to wait is based upon strong religious convictions you may have some real hurtles to overcome to enjoy sex.  The reason for this is because religion has a tendency to promote the supression of sexual thoughts up until the wedding day as a way to control any urges for pre-marital sex.  So what happens is that you end up entering a sexual relationship having no idea whatsoever of your own sexuality; where on your body is a pleasure point, masturbation, orgasming, etc.  This is more prevelent with females than males, because even the more pious males will usually masturbate at some point and as we discussed earlier in here orgasms in males is far less a complex process as it is with females.  But... for those who prefer to wait until their wedding night simply as a preferred moral decision there are ways to prepare yourself and try and set the basic groundwork for an enjoyable sexual relationship.

First off, as said before in here, first time sex will probably not be the great emotional relase you thought.. more so with women.  It's important that both males and females understand that part.  But even beyond the first time, the best way to prepare yourself is to allow yourself to understand yourself... how you are as a sexual person, your thoughts, fantasies, and desires.  To acknowledge masturbation as part of the human sexual process and to also understand your opposite gender in as many ways as possible.  For example, the single most important aspect of human sexuality is to understand the sexual motivation between the sexes.  It is very different but once you understand those differences then you can use those differences in enhancng your own relationship with your significant other.  All too often I will chat with a young female who says she's in love and her boyfriend loves her deeply as well... and that with this love she expects to have an enjoyable sexual relationhip down the line.  That might be very true but unless she is aware of what makes a guy tick sexually, ie., his desires, impulses, etc. she really has no idea what to expect from him sexually.  To presume that being in deep love means his sexual demands will always be the missionary position because all other forms of sex you've read about you find disgusting... well, you could end up being deeply disappointed down the line as well.  In the same way, a virgin male presuming his virginal girlfriend is just going to lay there, legs spread, anytime he wishes.. is also in for some major disappointment.  The solution is to read, learn, and if at all possible, explore certain physical contact with your partner to begin learning about them sexually.. and above all, communicate with each other all your sexual thoughts and desires.

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How Can I Tell if He/She is Serious?

What Goes Around, Comes Around -
In a recent poll of teenage sexuality (source revealed if you click on menu selection at top of this page) the following was revealed...

Of about 1,000 students at the school (polled), 832 were interviewed and asked to identify their sexual and romantic partners over the previous 18 months.  Just more than half reported having sexual intercourse, a rate comparable to the national average, researchers say. Of all the pairings, only 63 involved two students who had not partnered with anyone else. The research reveals a semantically complex rule that seems to guide adolescent sexual conduct. A girl is loath to date her old boyfriend's new girlfriend's old boyfriend.

This statistic illustrates how a closed social lifestyle, such as high school, can tend to allow for broad romantic contacts.  While on one hand this 'control group' allows for relatively safe social contact which can give young people experience in understanding how to develop relationship skills that will carry them through life, it also enhances internal social pressures in trying to establish a socially competitive identity in order to be accepted.  Being shunned or isolated in a school environment is far more traumatic on the individual level than one is likely to experience as an adult in open society.  So as a result, relationships are ultra-important in the typical high school environment and among those relationships will be romantic and sexual relationships.

While the making of simple friendships is relatively simple for most teens, both within their own gender and platonically across genders, it's the romantic relationships that provide the challenge and test personal resolve.  It's learning about trying to understand their own impulses, instincts, and sexual feelings toward another person while at the same time trying to balance learned moral and religious doctrine and thoughts of parental punishment.  The irony is that in teenage romantic relationships the very reasons that foster them to begin with are also the reasons the relationships might typically end.  The social environment is focused specifically on education and social activities within their peer group.  Everyone is more or less elbow to elbow in the same boat with little variety in daily experience much less being able to express deeper individuality.  For example, a girl might be attracted to a guy cause he physically looks hot, likes the same music, and is an overall 'nice guy', which by itself is pretty much a mask for saying, "He's attentive to me.".   A guy might be attracted to a girl because she physically looks hot, likes the same music, thinks she's smart and enjoys it when she helps him with his math homework, and kisses great. They both get intensely jealous when they see either one or the other talking in the hallway with the opposite gender... and many times other arguments ensue as a result of deeper feelings not being met by the relationship.  I think you can see the emotional disparity between teenage romantic relationships and the more mature adult relationships.  BUT... the teenage years are for exploring and trying to understand emotional variety between each other and that helps to lead to more mature relationships as time goes on after high school.  Admittedly, some high school romances do continue into adulthood and subsequently marriage and a family.  My own life reflects that.   But how does anyone know the person that is the focus of their romantic thoughts also feels the same toward them?  How serious are they?

"Is He/She Truly Serious About Me?"
Being 'serious' toward someone can mean many things to many people.  On one hand, to some being serious simply means they have a level of emotional committment toward the relationship.  To others being serious might mean an emotional committment to the partner specifically.  Of course, there can also be many overlaps.  But generally speaking teen relationships, as well as adult relationships, center around a joint level of trust in the partner's actions that might translate to them being faithful.  For a romantic relationship to work both parties must feel needed by the other; that their values are respected and understood, and their desires make a difference to the other.  You will note I mentioned nothing about liking the same music or helping someone with homework or sharing a joint on a Saturday night.  Yes, similarities can provide a strong and basic foundation for a relationship to grow.  But to me, my partner's interests and desires should compliment mine rather than be singularly similar.  There are many relationships that work because the partners involved have diverse and even opposite interests and desires.. yet they find a commonality in a deeper emotion.. a special respect.  Their differences makes the relationship strong.  Obviously this isn't in all cases.. but you can see how superficial differences can take a back seat in a relationship that enjoys a deeper emotional common bond.

So, when we look for some idea as to what elements might suggest to you that someone is serious toward you the best way to proceed is not by what draws you together through common interests but what lies beyond the obvious.
Does he/she truly and deeply care for you as a person?  Not just being politely considerate.  I mean does he/she continually demonstrate a concern for your emotional and physical well-being?
Does he/she respect your knowledge, limitations, preferences, and desires?
Does he/she express a desire, perhaps emotional 'need', to want to grow with you as a person?
Does he/she understand what makes you.. YOU?  Why you are who you are?  How your past might make you the person you are today?
Does he/she uderstand how to touch you physically?  Is he/she not only desirous to make you physically feel pleasure before their own?  Does making you feel pleasure add to their pleasure?
Can you both communicate to each other.. and listen?

The list can really go on and on.  But I think there's enough of a sampling here to understand that a romantic relationship that's heading for sexual expression should encompass much more than liking the same school subjects or the way your partner might defy authority and do their own thing.  If you want your first sexual time to mean something then the relationship should also mean something as well.  It's very probable that your relationship may not extend past graduation day (because of diverse educational goals, geographical separation because of college, and career goals) but your memory of your first sexual time being in a caring relationship will be with you forever... as well your first time having been a shallow event, if that is the case.  But.. even adults frequently develop relationships simply for the physical pleasures if it's jointly understood that the relationship is soley for sexual pleasure.  Generally speaking, people into first time sex aren't yet totally sure how they will enjoy sex.  The choice is all your's to make.

Am I, or have I been, abused? -
In this day and age personal abuse has taken on very broad meanings and sometimes can be an overt violation of law and other times, while still recognized as abuse, is not illegal.  But for our discussion here we will limit our definitions of abuse as being sexual, physical, as well as emotional for children through their teen years.  While we tend to think that child abuse occurs mostly toward girls it also occurs with boys as well.. and within families that can affect all the siblings.  The trick is to understand what is abuse and have you been the victim of abuse.

First off, let's start as to how you might feel some level of abuse has contributed to a learning problem in school, a behavioral problem, a social problem (not being able to mix with others, have friends, etc.), even a physical problem.  You know something's not right.. you aren't like other students, you feel sad, have anxiety, essentially emotionally confused.  Maybe you have self-esteem issues.  You might even dress different (goth dress and appearence in high school is typical of people with emotional issues... and with school administrators so hopped up since Columbine in trying to profile students it amazes me to this day that goth-dressed kids aren't challenged, not that they might pose a threat to others.. they pretty much don't; but they can pose a threat to themselves if in fact they do have emotional issues).  But let's explore the kinds of abuse first and from there try and determine a course of action.

Here's a list of the more common kinds of abuse.
- Sexual abuse.  This is obviously one of the more common forms of contemporary abuse on our society and it's illegal.
- Physical abuse.  This abuse can come in different levels, most illegal, some which can be interpreted as 'grey' areas as far as being illegal in spite of having the same effect on the person being abused.  It can range from overt physical contact (beating, torturing, etc.) to health (withholding of food, improper food, confinement, poor environmental conditions, restricting or witholding necessary medical treatment, etc.).
- Emotional abuse.  By far the most prevelent abuse in this country, or anywhere for that matter, because of the many levels in which it can occur and the variables in a victim's ability to deal with it.  It's not illegal as a crime although some child welfare agencies can consider it in taking action to protect child victims.  Emotional abuse in the home begins with parents and siblings and many times is simply the way parents are parenting.  Just because two people can make babies doesn't mean they know how to parent effectively.  In fact, one parent's definition of abuse can be another parent's definition of control.  So there are huge grey areas regarding what constitutes emotional abuse.  Much emotional abuse in a family can have its roots in religion.  I have observed that many of the emotionally disturbed teens who have  communicated with me have been raised in more religiously fundemental environments.  The imposition of guilt for simply being human and the total loss of parenting sense in the name of some religious doctrine is a major source of emotional abuse in this country.  It's rather like brainwashing; if you're told often enough that you and your actions make you some 'sinner' then you will start believing it to a point where your self-esteem could be severly damaged.  In fact, emotional abuse is all about the loss of self-esteem; the ability to feel confident, maintain a healthy desire to achieve in some form, and be able to interact socially with others.

Obviously you can see from this short list that abuse can come in a very wide variety and can even include elements of all these abuses at one time.  For example, sexual abuse well most often include or result in strong emotional abuse and can also take on the form of physical abuse.  Bottom line, any action, interaction, or lack of action, by one person asserting authority toward another person that threatens that person's ability to engage in a self-determined course of life and quality of life can be defined as abuse.

Seeking Help -
It's hard.. damn hard... to take this step.  On top of possibly having all the esteem and emotional issues, you now have to take the initiative to tell someone of authority about your problem... and then that someone may have to tell others which very possibly may lead to confrontation if you have accused anyone.  But it's a necessary action and first step to get back a quality of life for yourself.  Just like a soldier having to stay within an upward chain of command in order to report a problem, so does a teen in some ways when it comes to trying to get some authority figure's attentions.  In any and all cases your first contact should be your parents.  They are your legal guardians and your primary care-givers.  But the rub here is that in most cases your parents are part of the problem.. or THE problem.  Only you can determine this initial approach.  Obviously if your problem is certain students at school or with an extended family member... or even if you can't really identify the source of your personal feelings, your folks are the best people to approach first.  Unfortunately, more often than we might expect, parents are generally ill-informed as to how to handle emotional issues with their children.  Worse yet, many parents might choose to totally ignore your concerns or, as happens so much with sexual abuse, they refuse to believe what you are saying, or even feel embarrassed.  So, what do you do and where do you go if your folks are unable to help you?

Okay.. but let's assume you are wary and shy and not sure about some of your school authority figures for whatever reason... this doesn't mean you don't have options.  You can always begin by approaching a favorite teacher or even another staff memeber that you trust (secretary, admin person, etc.)... or even someone you might know on the school board  The important thing for you is that you let someone know so that attention can be drawn to you to help you.  If that doesn't work then you might consider sharing with your friends and even sharing with a friend's parent.  You can also call one of the many teen trouble lines operated by volunteers.  In effect, the more people you do tell will help draw attention to your needs.

It's not uncommon for teenage males to fantasize about raping girls or a certain girl.  It's not uncommon for a teenage girl to fantasize about being raped, seduced overtly, or imagine situations where her 'virtue' might be taken.   There's fantasies within both sexes about strangulation play, sleepysex, and even necrophilia (which tends to have some interest with those into goth preferences).  What triggers these kinds of fantasies?  Well, as I've tried to express in here, anything can trigger certain fantasies.  Sometimes it's nothing you can precisely nail down (like myself.. having an interest in death ever since I was little).  Other times fantasies are the direct result of family influence... parental upbringing, religious lifestyle, and a major trigger.... sexual and/or emotional abuse and the subsequent trauma can many times lead to the more humiliation-type sexual fantasies, mostly with girls (like degrees of bondage, S&M, BDSM, rape play, torture, etc.).  Also, someone can also have any or all of these kinds of sexual fantasies with another of their same gender.