"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss,
and ends with a teardrop."
Anonymous
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For Lack of
Communication
Ok...
here's the typical scenario...
You met, you dated, then
you fell in love with each other. Life took on a new meaning.
Birds were chirping, the sun was shining, children were playing and all
was right with the world. You made plans with each other, got
married, and presummably made love on your honeymoon night (perhaps for
the first time for both or either one of you). Sure, you had some
kinky sex interests that others would think you sick and perverted, but
sex is good with this new person in your life so no sense upsetting the
apple cart... after all, true love will find a way... and this person
is your true soul mate.
Fast
forward five years or so.
Making
love has turned into more like routine sex. The showering
together, the various physical sex positions, the
every-room-in-the-house sex.. all has become mundane (or in the least,
severly lacking). Your sexual mind begins to drift to those
thoughts that make you particularly horny; those thoughts you buried
way back in your mind when you first met because you felt too guilty,
too embarrased, or too 'in love' to share with your new romantic
partner. The birds have stopped chirping long ago, it's gotten
cloudy, and the children aren't playing because they have gotten older.
Nature
Doesn't Help One Bit When It Comes To Love
Let's add a few things to that above scenario.. like kids...
and financial hardships.
If you're a male you've noticed your wife giving you
less attention in order to devote time to the kids. The end of
her day she is frazzled and tired (especially if she works and is a
mom). Her appearence has changed after delivering babies.. in
fact, she might 'feel' different as you have sex with her. Things
aren't as 'tight' as they once were which might affect your own sexual
performance... and maybe a couple of the old positions are a bit more
difficult to achieve... or that scar on her stomach could be
distracting to you. You don't love her any less, perhaps, but you
aren't as 'in love' as you once were. Her sexual attractiveness
to you is waning and sex is less frequent simply because it's less
satisfying to you. Besides that, money is tight and you yourself
are tired and stressed in trying to make the bills... and communication
between the two of you is more in passing and either kept limited to
avoid confrontation or kept short because of stress and
schedules. You're spending more of your free time on the Internet.
If you're a female you've noticed
your husband giving you less attention; not so much with sex because
for some reason you haven't felt all that horny anyway, but you miss
the hugs, kisses, and passing caresses that were spontaneous when you
first got married. On those rare occassions where you would like
sex you find him less interested or if it happens it's not like it was
in the 'old' days.. and lacks some luster. He's not doing those
little things that pleasured you in the past. Perhaps you're
starting to feel you don't look as pleasing to him anymore so you begin
to concentrate your thoughts more on the kids and job... and stressing
about making the bills and living on a budget. You might also be
finding more of your time dabbling on the Internet.
WHAT
HAPPENED? Well, life happened.
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Feature
Segment - A Letter From An
Unsatisfied Husband
I received this email not too long ago that is a perfect
example of loss of sexual communication... and the lengths some people
will go to try and satisfy their true desires.
Hi, Rob...
Most of my snuff/necro fantasies involve at least some type
of female hair worship,and in fact sometimes my victims are chosen
soley because their hair turns me on and I wish to poses it and worship
it.For me too, it is all about the smell. The smell of her
hair, the smell of her underarms, the smell of her sex and the smell of
her ass. My wife shower's every single day and always has, but I
have to tell you that, secretly, the thing that turns me on about
European women is that they don't wash their hair or bathe as often as
most American women, and many, if not most of them do not shave their
armpits. In fact if it were up to me all women's bath and body products
would be fragrance free so that their only perfume would be the natural
smell of their hair and their bodies.
You ask if I had someone that would necro roll play with
me. I don't but I sure wish I did, it would be the perfect
situation. I really envy the guys on your site who are able to
roll play with their wives or girlfriends. As far as I know my
wife knows nothing of my necro fetish, and would probably be quite
shocked to learn that for over twenty years I have been fucking her to
fantasies involving the killing of women and the raping of their dead
bodies. The closest I ever came to necro roll playing was many
years ago during my first, short lived marriage. I built a snuff
dummy out of my wife's clothes,stuffing her pantyhose,panties,bra,blue
jeans,shirt, and red sweater with heavy rags.tying it altogether, sexy
shoes on the feet and white gloves f! or hands, it was surprisingly
realistic. I fashioned both a cunt and an asshole out of sponge
lined racket ball cans.
I killed and raped my snuff dummy many times over the next
couple of years and those snuff/necro sessions were the most intensely
pleasurable sexual experiences that I have ever had (pretty sad that
the best sex I ever had was with a pile of rags and a human hair wig,
but there it is, what are you going to do?). I ceased doing it
once I married my second wife and have never done it again. It is
just too perverted, even for me, these days. Anyway, that is the
only roll playing that I have ever done, although I would love to do
again with a real, live, willing women,but somehow, I don't see that
happening.
Matt
End
of Feature Segment -
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Just What
the Hell is a 'Soul Mate' Anyway?
You would not believe the number of people I talk
too who proudly proclaim they are dating or have married their soul
mate (women have a tendency to do that more than men) yet for some
reason they are visiting my site to partake in their own personal sex
fantasies their significant other either has no interest in or doesn't
know exists. To me it would seem in the least that true soul
mates would exemplify frank and open communication above all else
followed by a loving compromise in respective interests (sexual or
otherwise) in order to feed each other's passion for the other.
Based on my observations (and personal experience) few couples truly
are soul mates. Ultimately in the end, many years into a
marriage, the couple is essentially 'soul-less'.. more owing their
marriage longevity to marital intertia and complacency than anything
else.
If you've read the other sections
prior to this section on my site you will note that nature encourages
us to go forth into the world and multiply with certain instinctual
desires. Socially we tend to encourage child-bearing within the
institution of marriage... that legal, personal, and many times
spiritual committment two people of opposite genders make to each
other. It's a convenient way to keep couples focused on
child-rearing and family survival. But when we talk about being
soul mates that seems to take on the added burden of somehow
maintaining an emotional and physical relationship between the married
couple over and above simply being a convenient institution for
child-rearing.
I think most of us will agree that
while having children might fulfill an inbred instinctual desire for
both a man and a woman it does very little for cementing long term
emotional and physical relationships between a married couple.
For example, a basic friendship relationship works simply because two
people have something in common and their meeting and socializing
supports those common interests. I may have a buddy I enjoy going
to movies with, or another buddy for watching football games with, or
another buddy to share a beer with and talk about life. When we
develop 'best friends' we generally regard those friends as having a
broad range of common interests with our own. So one would think
that soul mates would be the closest of close friends with the broadest
of interests and most effective channels of communication. But,
alas, it doesn't always work out that way.
Why We
Tend Not To Discuss Sex Prior To Marriage -
This of course doesn't mean we don't have sex prior to
marriage but rather of all the things that do get discussed between
dating couples sex generally takes a back seat (pun intended).
But this can result from a couple different areas. The first is
the more obvious... we live in a very sexually repressive society and
while not as 'bad' as the past 250 years or so there is still the
religious and subsequent social stigma of engaging in premarital sex
for many young people. This guilt forces sex and the discussion
of it to sometimes be a taboo issue during the dating process.
Thusly, when the honeymoon night arrives, and for a time after, the
couple is more engrossed into the 'newness' of the experience rather
than communicating sex fantasies they may or may not know they even
have yet. Years later as they become more engrossed in life and
adult friends.. and watching movies and TV and the Internet, they might
get exposed to other sexual ideas and concepts which in turn might
stimulate their own secret fantasies. But by that time the guilt
in having those seemingly impure thoughts will naturally keep couples
from talking frankly about their sexual fantasies.
A
second area is probably the most common. Unless we are really
secure in our personal sexuality most of us are just plain simply too
reluctant or too embarrassed to share with someone, much less someone
we are trying to win over in the dating process. The biggest fear
is that if we let this information out that our new partner will think
us a nut and a perv and run for the hills. I've had many married
guys share this feeling with me even after their many years of marriage
in spite of a demonstrated committment to the relationship for both
parties.
Another area that seems to
support non-sexual communication between couples, married or not, is
the perception that men are supposed to somehow naturally know how to
please a girl. That somehow their instinct or 'vast' sexual
experience while sowing their wild oats is supposed to make a
difference in pleasing a woman. Of course this is all bunk.
While some men with experience with many partners may have an edge over
a male virgin doing it for the first time, that's usually more about
the mechanics and having a generalized idea of a female's erogenous
zones. But by and large, sexual response is different with
everyone regardless of gender. And the same goes for a woman
too. I've chatted with women who proudly proclaim their ability
to orally gratify any guy they wished. The only way I can imagine
that ever happening is if they asked the guy first, "Tell me how you
want me to do it." because guys all like to be sucked and licked and
stroked differently... and no woman is born knowing all the variations
much less what variation to use and when. The whole point here is
that sometimes a male/female role expectation can keep couples from
communicating their true desires.
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Feature
Segment - lsn't Fantasy All About
Role Playing?
Nope. This is a common misconception. While it's
true that fantasies can contain elements of role playing many fantasies
are not about role playing at all. A woman may simply want to be
made love to in a room with a thousand candles flickering away. A
guy might want his partner to dress a certain way. Fantasies need
not require dialog or be a Hollywood production. Given the
fact that we are all different in our habits, needs, and desires it's
very possible that either you or your partner would be embarrassed
actively roleplaying and that might detract from your own sexual
pleasure. These are the things you have to discuss and make
compromises.
I tend to find the use of a video camera to be helpful in
getting me more creative and respond to role playing. Sometimes
it's a bit easier feeling that your 'performance' can be viewed later
and as such becomes a mechanism for enhanced enjoyment. But
whatever your fantasies are they represent your feelings, thoughts, and
desires. Compromise is good between couples, sacrifice is
not. Don't be afraid to experiment.
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Ok,
Rob... so how do I 'fix' the sex in my marriage?
By communicating with each other.
Okay, okay... that's not meant as a trite cop out but that is the
common denominator. Obviously you have to understand what you are
communicating about and you have to be actively listening to your
partner as part of that communication process. Let's examine this
from two sides... partners within a marriage and partners in a typical
dating relationship.
In a
marriage...
...there are so many issues and outside forces that do
everything imaginable to try and breakup a marriage (kids, finances,
extended family problems, etc.) and the first thing in the marriage
that's affected is generally sex. Unfortunately, sex is a major
componant for us to marry in the first place so when that ends up
lacking it's pretty much the domino effect with the rest of the marital
elements. But here you are, years into your marriage and sex
sucks and you want the old days back again. How do you get back
into the swing of things?
First
off, there's no single pat answer for everyone. Every couple
is different. The biggest enemy toward rectifying marital sexual
issues is embarrassment. It's far easier to drift sexually into a
long accepted sexual routine than to suddenly be expected to
communicate to your significant other that you've always wanted to try
a bit of whips & chains.. or in the least, be tied down over the
living room coffee table and spanked... or that you wonder what it
would be like doing it on a swing like Samantha did in that episode on
Sex In The City. But the word in there is 'routine'.. another
element that shouldn't be part of sex between the two of you. The
critical point in trying to work out sexual issues inside of a marriage
is that many times you are attempting to 'correct' a problem that
should have been worked out during your engagment period years
ago. So what happens is that there may very well be some
surprises in what your mate may reveal he or she dreams about
sexually. After all, this is learning about a whole new aspect
with the person you married. Also, what your mate may fantasize
about doing with you, you may have a hard time trying to do. Even
if your mind is willing sometimes other elements enter the picture like
lack of stamina, a difficult to manage physical position, the
fantasy is too gross or distracting as to take away from your own
sexual desire (be a sexual turn-off for you), moral issues, etc.
Feature
Segment - The Big
Gamble
Sharing your sexual fantasies with
your significant other does carry some risk, but perhaps not the way
you think.
Part of the embarrassment we may have in sharing sexual
fantasies with our partners is that we will loose their favor, respect,
and maybe blow the whole relationship. Admittedly this is a real
risk.. although it's not generally that big a threat, depending of
course which side of the fence you are on.. married or dating.
When married people 'fess up' to their desires to each other
there's more of an acceptance because both partners have lived together
and know each other on a more intimate level. There's also a real
emotional and practical investment in the relationship which also helps
in sex fantasy acceptance. If you are a male and you share with
your wife that you'd like to try asphyx snuff play (strangling while
having sex) she probably has lived with you long enough to know this is
indeed a fantasy and not a subliminal wish to off her. On the
other hand, if you are dating and you happen to share this feeling with
your girlfirend of two months the risk is much higher that she might
head for the nearest lifeboat. But this is where knowing as much
about your partner as possible is important. Married or not, the
goal is not just to blurt out your fantasy but try to understand who
your partner is.. and the best way you might get them to accept your
sexual fantasy.. or in the least not feel threatened by it. All
this is what I call the 'run-for-the-hills risk' and it's the risk we
seem to focus on the most when contemplating fantasy sharing.
BUT... there's is also another very valid risk... one
that could make your sexual relationship worse (assuming it could get
any worse). This risk is what I call the 'self-esteem
risk'. It's when one of the partners in the relationship is
unable to grant consideration to the other's fantasies.. for whatever
the reason. It's very possible that from that point on, the
partner who is unable to comply in some manner will begin to assume
their past traditional sexual role with you has not been satisfying to
you and that they are somehow not fulfilling their role in the
relationship; maybe to the point of thinking all past sex with you was
a lie, which in itself might overlap to a similar interpretation with
other aspects of your relationship.
HOW DO YOU MINIMIZE THESE RISKS?
1. Know your partner; understand their
instinctual gender and social role as well as understand them as a
person.
2. Set up a proper strategy for sharing your
fantasies with your partner; a strategy that minimizes the shock value
yet enhances the erotic pleasure for the BOTH of you.
3. Understand that fantasy sharing is a level
of compromise. ALWAYS understand what fantasies your partner
shares and work together to either alternate sexual fantasy activites
or merge them together into one glorious event.
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In a dating relationship...
...you have a whole different set of circumstances.
Generally speaking, if you met in a real life situation (not an
Internet thing), like a bar or church social, you're both spending time
trying to impress each other... and if things get romantic enough where
you find yourself in the bedroom together it's rather unlikely you're
going to make sexual fantasy demands on your partner the first time out
of the gate. In spite of that facade you both hope you walk away
from that experience feeling satisfied enough to meet again
sometime. This is where you have two choices. At some point
you can share with your partner what your sex fetishes and fantasies
might be and hope for the lucky chance of finding a perfect match, or
in the least someone who understands and likes to experienment On
the other hand, if 'regular' sex is ok and you don't want to upset the
relationship apple cart for fear that you'd not be getting laid on a
regular basis if your partner ran off you can plod along in your own
alternative fantasy. I tend to prefer to think that life is much
too short to compromise on the things we most desire in life.
Anything less is just wasting time. But, that's how we live and
learn in life. But if you reach a point where this partner is a
candidate for marriage you would both be best served coming to grips
now with each other's sexual fantasies rather than waking up years into
the marriage and wondering where it all went.
Here's Some "Fix"
Strategies For Any Relationship
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The following is a more detailed explanation of the three
points I made in the windowed section about risks above.
1. Know your partner; understand their instinctual
gender and social role as well as understand them as a person.
While this seems an obvious important
aspect you'd be surprised how many people fail to understand that their
partner is not just a person you want to know and be close to, but is
also a male or female and as such also has certain natural as well as
social mores'. By that I mean, it's important to know that your
partner is a man, or woman, and has definitive gender feelings as well
as personal feelings. For example, if you're a man you should
know that a woman desires and needs sex for different reasons than you
do. By understanding these differences you can develop a sharing
strategy that addresses those specific needs and desires. In
other words, customizing your efforts for your partner alone.
2. Set up a proper strategy for sharing your fantasies
with your partner; a strategy that minimizes the shock value yet
enhances the erotic pleasure for the BOTH of you.
This is the meat of the issue.
How do you tell your signficant other your deepest darkest fantasies?
Well, the easiest way is to let your
actions speak for themselves.. if, of course, your actions can do that
in a more subtle fashion... which all depends on the fantasies you
have. Suddenly bringing out the whips & chains during a
romantic evening in bed when your partner is expecting the routine
might be a bit disconcerting. But you could try a lesser level,
like maybe using a piece of rope to tie your partner's hands to the
bedpost (leaving their legs free), and gradually introduce your partner
that way. But remember, it's all about providing your partner
pleasure as that's the positive re-inforcement to winning them over.
In my
case, I have sleepysex/necro fantasies so it's relatively easy to
illustrate the pleasure I can provide rather than simply blurting out,
"I'd like it if you played dead for me." I would be more inclined
to simply mention to my partner, "Just be still with your eyes closed
and let me do all the work and pleasure every inch of you... and you
can focus on where my unexpected touches will land on you... and
feelings of anticipation." If she expresses enjoyment then you
take it from there.
Another
strategy is that of timing; when to decide to discuss your
fantasies. I have found great opportunites with movies and
TV. If something is on that stimulates discussion then use that
to break the ice. I find that movie rentals can many times
provide the needed stimulus for discussion. If you have a
particular fantasy fetish that you know has been represented in some
scene in a movie (doesn't have to be porn) rent that film then watch it
together. When your sex scene pops up casually comment about how
that looks different.. or maybe "we should try that sometime" kinda
thing.
If you
have two PC's in the house with internet access.. or maybe one at home
and one at your office you can use 'safely'... you might try meeting
each other on line and adopt characters with each other that might
portray your fantasies. If you are really unscrupulous and you
know your mate's online nickname and they don't know your's.. that
could make for some interesting cyber chatter which you could use later
at home. Along the same lines, if your significant other is
hanging out on the net in chat rooms or porn sites then get to know
what's so attractive to them. But be careful not to interpret the
places they like to go and the pics they like to see as being some
shortcoming on your part. Usually girls worry about the male
partners admiring some internet beauty and translate that as somehow
not satisying him because their own appearence is lacking. In
fact, let's talk about guys and fantasies for a bit.
Guys tend
to get aroused by images.. we all know that. It's the nature of
the beast and nothing will ever change that. Because of that guys
can develop certain aspects of sexual fantasy that in effect can be
separated in their relationships. Here's an example...
In the movie, Analyze This, DiNiro's
character as a mafia boss is being asked by analyst, Billy Crystal,
why, if he loves his wife, does he have sex with other women.
DiNiro replies to the effect that he'd not want his wife's lips kissing
his children if he did to her what he does with other women. This
is not an uncommon feeling with men. You talk to the average
hooker and they will tell you that if more wives gave blow jobs they
(the hookers) would be out of business. That exists for two
reasons... either the wife won't or doesn't like giving oral sex to
their husband, or, the husband does not want oral sex from his wife,
presumming it's crossing some 'slutty' line he does not want to
perceive his wife as being. My point with all this is to
illustrate that guys can indeed have a separation preference with
entertaining fantasies as strictly fantasy vs. taking their fantasy to
real life. A guy may love to see porn of two girls and a guy
getting it on but that doesn't mean necessarily that his wife should
interpret that as his desire in real life. And this is where that
old communication comes in.
One of
the more difficult situations when sharing fantasies in a relationship
is when one of the partners has rather violent or more extreme sexual
tastes (or even when one partner might be extrodinarily mundane).
For example, I tend to be more subtle, compassionate, gentle, and
overall less vigorous in my preferred sexual activity. This does
not mean that a certain partner couldn't bring out more of the animal
lust if they were patient and we learned together. But it's
highly unlikely I would ever get to the point of enjoying BDSM as it's
so against my grain to inflict pain on anyone... and if I got to the
point of accomodating I would certainly derive no sexual pleasure from
it. So sometimes there could very well be a sexual impasse of
sorts in a relationship... and within a marriage, when you are sharing
this late in the marriage, the feelings could be difficult to adjust
with each other. This becomes one of the risks in sharing as I've
stated above. Many times the only way out of this is either
reaching an accomodating solution that best suits your continued desire
to be partners (or husband and wife)... or decide if it's worth leaving
the relationship altogether in order to achieve a happier, more
fulfilling sex life.
3. Understand that fantasy sharing is a level of
compromise. ALWAYS understand what fantasies your partner shares
and work together to either alternate sexual fantasy activites or merge
them together into one glorious event.
Boy, if you can somehow manage
to combine fantasies between the two of you that's an amazing
accomplishment... yet it's not really difficult to do. It just
takes some imagination and sometimes lots of patience. But in the
least, make sure you alternate your sexual activites to include
elements from both your fantasies. It doesn't mean 'taking turns'
in the formal sense or even making sure your fatnasy gets 'equal
billing'. Sex is still an activity based on moods and feelings of
the moment. If your fantasies are diverse then meet the moods as
they hit you. Remember, if you are in a relationship of any kind
it means in the least you care and have feelings for your
partner. Let that show when trying to pleasure them sexually.
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The
goal is not the orgasm itself but rather to enjoy each other physically
on
the most intimate level possible.
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