A Short Bio
I am just an "average" guy really (yes, even with my fantasies I am still very average)... I am 50 as I write this (although I look early 40's and feel early 30's.. I even still have my hair!), married (on paper only... more on that later) for 27 years, three kids (all in college), and I live in a suburb of a large mid-west city.  I own a small  PC-related service business.  My wife does NOT share my interests... and it wasn't until a few years ago that I even shared these with her.  But more on that later.

I served in the military for four years... I have done community volunteer work in certain local civic functions and I'm an avid supporter of education.  My past hobbies have run the gamut of the physical sciences (astronomy, geology, archeology... I'm a real history nut), to electronics (I have a ham radio license), stamp and coin collecting, audio/video recording, amateur photography.  Currently I am an avid movie goer and I enjoy writing articles which I try to hustle on another less 'controversial' site; subjects including family life, sexuality, and current events.
I was raised a Lutheran and my wife and kids are Catholic.  I was never dropped on my head as a baby (that anyone confessed to), and I have never suffered from abuse or physical trauma.

My degree is in the Applied Behavioral Sciences... with some Master's work.  I am not licensed in the area to provide counseling or therapy.  My interests have always been concerning people and how they function in life.  Understanding what makes people "tick" has always been a part of my life as I grew up.  Along the way I have developed a sort of empathic sense of understanding how people feel.  On the net or through e-mail I can "see" folks reveal themselves in different ways.  This interest in other people is obviously one of the reasons for starting this site.  I derive a sense of purpose and friendship when I can interact with people on this level.

I hope this gives you some insight as to what kind of person I am and that I'm really no different than anyone else in how I conduct myself in society.

My Necro and Sleepysex Interests
My fantasies, as with most things in life, have evolved over time to where they are today.  Some of the influences of change were stimulated by normal life experiences and physical changes as I got older.  My earliest recollections in being interested in "death" manifested themselves from watching those early TV shows of the 50's.  By today's standards those old westerns where the cowboys and indians get "killed" were pretty tame but it still managed to open up latent sexual feelings... whatever that meant to a 5 to 6 year old.  I loved all the westerns on TV and when somebody got killed it appealed to me.

My true necro-related sexual feelings toward women didn't manifest themselves until the late pre-teen years... and of course the high school years as the hormones kicked in.  Up to that point I had many fantasies of being dead myself and having a woman make love to my corpse.  An interesting touch was me cumming inside the girl, who was busy on top of me humping away on my somehow-hard "dead" penis, and surprising the hell out of her thus causing her to vocalize her orgasm.  I also had fantasies of being a girl that was raped and killed.  I recall a lot of practice trying not to move as I came while masturbating (at least not moving one arm and two legs... tough to do for a guy, by the way).

In high school all that changed and I started heading toward where I'm at today.  My deep necro feelings were repressed in those days as I started dating... although I didn't date much.  I was very shy by nature in those days (and the acute acne didn't help either).  I never had high school sex with anyone... first experience was when I was married some years later... not out of choice or for lack of wanting.  But I did dream a lot.  I dreamed of finding unconscious girls and having sex with them, finding dead girls in exotic locations, even fantasy thoughts of using knockout gas in our house when my sister had her sexy friends sleep over.  I NEVER had thoughts of killing anyone and to this day I am not into what's commonly referred to as "snuff" (more on "snuff" later).

I met my wife in high school and we dated normally... married, and for 20+ years had "normal" sex, that is, sex outside my fantasy.  I never thought of my interest in necro as being strange and I was never self-consumed with feelings of guilt for how my dreams went.   I guess my interest in being around libraries and reading a book or two on sexual subjects  (very rare as they were) showed me I was not "strange".  But during my late 20's I collected pictures and videos that allowed me to vicariously live out my fantasies.  A common wish was to have access to a funeral home, to have my way with some female corpse... of course, a pretty one.  And my method of love making to a corpse was always tender... I treat a lady with respect alive or "dead".

There is a somewhat sexually spiritual aspect to my corpse love making.  I love to carry and position the body.. watching the body move limply in my arms... seeing the breasts jiggle with each movement.  I love to kiss a lot and in these fantasies I spend a lot of time kissing every inch of the body.  Even performing oral sex on the "willing" lady, and of course, inserting myself and cumming into every oriface.  I do have a fetish of sorts... I love arms... girls' arms.  I kiss and nibble every inch of a lady's arms... especially under her arms... burying my face into were the arm just begins to meet with the breast.  Just a quick point to interject here... decay, or the smell of decay, or blood of any kind does NOT hold my interest.  I prefer a clean "partner".

Then came the Internet.  I had a very traumatic event occur in my life in late 1996.  I guess I went into a quasi-depression and started playing more on the PC and decided to check out the internet.  In November, 1997 I fearfully entered the word, "necrophilia", into the search engine thinking everyone was watching my every on-line move.  After all, isn't this a pervert deviation?  Well, as it turned out there were some interesting things on the net.  I learned about the newsgroups and IRC chat rooms (check out the links section)... but most importantly I met other folks, and more than I would have ever imagined, who had the same or similar interests to mine.. in fact, some with interests that made mine look tame in comparison.

Over the past 5+ years my interest in necro has evolved into a more subtle, passionate experience.  I find I want less for an actual dead corpse as much as simply an unconscious girl... someone willing to allow me "access" when they are out.  The experience is to make soft tender love... lots of carrying and body handling.. with actual sex occuring in many positions, one of which is her in my lap with me inside and slowly moving her limp body back and forth on me, her arms limp over my shoulders, legs spread wide across my legs.  The fantasy is about finding a willing girl who allows herself to be made unconscious (how to do that safely is the question) and me to video our love making for her when she wakes up.  Actually this fantasy is sometimes called "sleepysex" and is also very common (more on sleepysex later).

One thing I should point out... while I do have necro fants my sexual interests are not limited by no means.  If I come to like and care for a girl and develop a certain feeling toward her I can adapt very well to what interests her, as this pleases me... to please her.

I have many favorite positions I put the body in within my fantasies.  One position involves hanging the beautiful lady over the edge of a bed or table, on their back, letting her arms and head hang down limply toward the floor.  Then I position myself in front of her and kiss her "upsidedown" lips, stroking her dangling arms, and fondling her full spread out breasts.  Then sucking on the nipples.  After that "foreplay", I stand up and enter her mouth and cum deeply into her throat.  I do have an affinity for seeing myself oozing from every oriface.  But all the time being gentle and never rough.

What about real life?  I have NEVER had sex with a corpse (if presented with the opportunity I'd probably freeze up so much not even a case of Viagra would help!), nor have I ever had sex with an unwilling partner (ie, unconscious).  And I do NOT believe in putting a willing partner in harm's way.  I did finally share my thoughts with my wife recently and even though she is not into necro or sleepysex fants (few "significant others" really are) she has tried to accomodate, much to her credit (she'd never win an Oscar though).  But the reality is that it's not the same as a partner who shares your ineterest, so basically my sexual interests and desires go unfulfilled.  Hence, we do what we can in IRC chat rooms and cyber-role play (more on that later).  While that does offer some camaraderie with others of the same interest, it is still not the same as real life.

Perhaps I can sum up my necro interest with this idea.
I wanted to share with my wife my interest for years but like many people was a bit too embarrassed. We seem to marry for love, yet our sexual fantasies are kept a secret.  Anyway, timing being everything I waited... for years.  It was when her mother died of cancer that I was able to bring it up.  And surprisingly she understood.
Her mother was home in bed waiting for the end, essentially.  My wife would go over daily and help her father tend to her needs.  Well, at one of these visits her mother passed away.  My wife called me on the phone and I rushed over with our three youngsters to find her, her  father, her sister, and her brother grieving.  The police and funeral home had not yet been called, yet it was part of the pre-arranged plan since we all knew this day was coming.   The family now shifted their attention to her father and how "he was taking it".  Everyone had to have their last chance to go into the bedroom and pay their last respects and when her father went in there he wasn't allowed to be alone with her.  In my opinion no one respected his feelings.

Afterwards I told my wife that this was a terrble injustice that her father had not been able to be with his love mate, and partner for nearly 40 years to say his good-byes.  She didn't understand at first, but I explained that maybe he wanted to kiss her one last time... to hug her maybe the way they used to hug when she was alive... maybe, just maybe, a final touch "somewhere" that during happier times made them both feel in love.  He was robbed of that opportunity.  I even quasi-jokingly said maybe he wanted to have sex with her one last time.  So what was wrong with that?, I said.  Then our discussion drifted at how I would react if she were to die... and I took it from there.

I guess the point I am trying to make regarding my necro interest is that it's more a spiritual thing with me.
When your significant other says to you one day that if she should die would you make love like you always did... and let me take a part of you with me... a real part of you?  That's the final gift of love, folks.  It's not burying her with the wedding ring or grandma's old necklace that makes the difference... it's leaving your "love" inside her forever.  Now why is that so bad?  The true reality of life is that we may never have that opportunity to be alone with our spouses long enough cause everyone is so anxious to get them buried... medical staff, police, coroner, famliy, etc.  I ask you... just what is so "wrong" in having possession of your loved one's body for a few hours?  Why do those marriage vows mean nothing after death?

To some extent we all have deep down "buttons" that can be pushed by other people or events as we move through life.  And not all is sexual in nature.  But sometimes there can be overlapping emotions that are set off by a single "trigger".  By nature I am not a spontaneously emotional person; fairly sedate actually (that doesn't mean to imply I don't *like* spontaneous displays of feelings or emotion... or sex.  Quite the contrary.)  What I'm leading up to here are the feelings that are released within the inner "me" when a young person, specifically a woman, meets an untimely demise in some relatively freakish accident (actually, freakish accidents in general disturb the hell out of me).  Oh to be sure, it's sad when anyone dies for any given reason.  But to me the sorrow is felt greater when the victim is young and female.  Why don't I feel the same for the demise of young guys?  Well, that's where the complexity of the mind enters the picture.
 
 

A Pic To Remember Sometimes that 'button' that strikes a nerve within us can be something as simple as a picture.  Most of you who visit this site are familiar with all the so-called necro pics and and pic sites on the net; there are thousands of pics out there.. heck, I have many on my site.  But this one displayed here in this window has pushed my proverbial button.  In what way?  Well, it's hard to tell from this thumbnail but when you click on it to enlarge it you might see what I am  trying to convey. I have no idea the age of this girl... since breast size is no indication of age she could be any young age.  But there's a deep sadness depicted in this picture.  I speculate she died in an auto accident as her bruises seem to be seatbelt related.   There's a sweetness and innocense to her... a softness.  Her mouth speaks volumes.  Slightly open in a restful expression... sleep-like, yet seeming to me to reveal an expression she had while alive as she learned and questioned life; a seriousness brought out by a desire to see life's wonders.  That little wisp of hair over her right eye perhaps a common sight when she was alive.  Her eyebrows formed in a way to suggest she cared about her appearence... true self-esteem... a confidence.  Had she loved?  Had she felt a loving kiss on her lovely lips?  A warm caress over her breasts?  Did her heart, resting lifeless under that impact bruise, ever feel love?  Was she treated with respect?  To imagine this body suffering the indignity of an autopsy and embalming is too appalling. Yes... if all things were perfect in this not-too-perfect world and I was alone with this young woman I would have made love to her.  Slowly, gently, lovingly... because she deserves no less.   And in the end I would have whispered to her, "I love you." <sigh> Buttons can be funny things.

Here's an example that might help to explain.  Recently I read of a 19 year old college student home on Christmas break.  She was walking with her friends down a residential neighborhood when a speeding car came from around a nearby corner and struck her, sending her flying over the top of the car and landing in the street behind it.  To top it all off, another speeding car behind the first one came around the same corner and ran her over.  Needless to say she was dead at the scene.  Turns out the young drivers of both cars knew each other (both with prior DUI's; one on a suspended license) and they were racing.  A senseless tragedy, to be sure.  From her picture she was an extremely pretty young woman... long dark hair... sweet face.
Immediately I felt a deep sorrow.  All she did was go out for a walk; why her?  But most of all... why did she have to die in such a freakish display of "overkill"?  (Morally I ask myself, "Just where was God for her?".. but religion a whole other story)

I imagined her broken body trying to be saved by the paramedics.  Then I think of her family.. and most of all, did she have a significant other in her life?  Did she ever feel love?  Did she ever have the opportunity to feel a warm and loving touch on her body.. a soft kiss... making love?  This is where my emotions overlap... from a deep compassion and sorrow for her loss.. the way she died... then shifting into a more sexual theme.  I felt I wanted to somehow "give" this girl a soft loving experience before she would be buried.  Her death being so violent and tragic I wanted to make her "feel" my warmth and compassion and love... her body being treated gently and tenderly and lovingly... and of course, leaving of part of my "love" with her for eternity.  Of course her being dead she'd not *feel* anything... but that's where the spiritual aspect of my feelings enter in.  I don't want the last hands to touch her  to be the relatively uncaring hands (or any other part) of the mortician.  In my mind I am NEVER "corpse fucking" for simple lust.  To me it's a last bond a dead person can have with the living... and a feeling of giving.
Had this tragedy happened to a guy, I'd have shaken this off much quicker.  But, that's probably due to my traditional feelings of women being the "fairer sex".

Think I'm nuts?  No, not hardly.  After hearing of this tragedy and followups to this story for a day or so, I just took a deep breath and went on with life.  Remember, these are feelings that creep in that are triggered by a given set of circumstances... and they pass.  But the point to remember here is that us humans are really complex animals and are subject to conflicting emotions that can and do run the gamut of our physical senses and emotional psyche.

This is a story written by a friend who shares the fantasy and manages to capture the essence of how I also feel.  She did not title it, but I call it...  Joined For Eternity by Angellina I opened the door to the chapel slowly, not knowing whom I might disturb, or what I might find.  I knew only that they had said my love lay within, and had left word before her death that I should visit her here. At last the pain is gone.  I lie in my silken bed, unmoving, unseeing, I feel like a princess, cool satin against my skin feels so lovely.  I smell the sweet flowers.  There must be candles all around me, I feel their warmth.  It is so quiet.  I am so alone.  The room was dark, light only by candles along the walls, but from the front there came an ethereal glow.  There I could see an open white casket, surrounded by candles.  The pale pink satin lining seemed to shine in the candle light with its own gentle radiance.  As I approached I could see her, my love, my sweet love.  Who is there? I hear the door open, and footsteps approach.  Who is there? Is it my love? Yes!  I know though I cannot see.  It is him!  She looked more lovely than ever.  No longer was she the pale sickly being to whom I administered the medicines two days ago, the medicines that ended her horrible suffering and her life.  This was not the frail thing I held tenderly as she breathed her last.  Instead, I gazed now upon a princess, a sleeping beauty, radiant in bridal white.  Oh how I wished my sleeping beauty would have risen at my kiss.  I am happy he will see me as the bride I would have been.  I folded back the veil that lay over her face like a gentle mist.  And bending low, I kissed her still, cool lips, as sweet now as ever I remembered.  For a moment she was not laid out for burial, but standing beside me at the altar.  The priest had just said ?the groom may kiss the bride?  The veil is lifted from my face.  His warm lips meet with mine.  Oh my love how I wish I could return your kiss.  Oh my love, I so long for the union we never had.  If just once we could be one I would rest peacefully until our souls were once more joined. I knew the protocol.  I should say my good-byes, perhaps offer a prayer, but something told me she wanted more, she needed more.  And though it was wrong by all I had been taught, I needed more too.   I returned to the door, and locked it from within, assuring that my lady and I would not be disturbed. Returning to her side, I let my hand rest on her silk covered breast, so firm and round.  I could clearly feel her erect nipples through the smooth fabric of her gown.  I didn?t know if she was beyond feeling but somehow I think she would want this.  His warm hand on my breast. Oh it feels so sweet.  His delicate caress sends shivers of delight through my soul.  I set aside the flowers that rested in her hands, then lifted her from her resting place and held her close against me, pressing her body to mine.  She felt so light in my embrace, as we turned about the room dancing our wedding dance to music only I could hear.  His hands hold me at my sides.   I feel his strength as he lifts me and holds me close against him.  I hear the music, the slow waltz of our wedding dance.   And something more.  Hi firm manliness, swelling where I pressed against him.  It brought me such pleasure, before the sickness, to bring him to satisfaction, as he brought satisfaction to me. Her silk shrouded body tight against mine, I could not help but respond and my manhood swelled in excitement, as it had so often before, but had never been satisfied, as had been her wish to be a virgin in our wedding bed.  Yet, so she was not shy to enfold my manhood in her delicate fingers, and bring me time and again to the height of ecstasy.  But now, for the first, the last, the only time, we would be truly one.  Oh my love, be one with me, once and for always! I gathered such cushions as I could find on chairs and benches in the chapel, and there before the casket, I made a makeshift bed, spread over with the satin cloth, the pall that would later cover her casket.  I lay my love on her bridal bed. Sealing her lips with mine, I lay with her, gently stroking her breasts, and lower, caressing the enchanted places that always brought her pleasure.  Then, I opened my pants, and lifted her skirt, letting the silk caress me as I slowly entered the sacred place.  Her sweet folds enveloped me, her lips so tight in death, embraced my sex.  He lays me down on our wedding bed and lays with me, gently stroking through my silks, all the magic places.  Lifting now my dress, he finds the place, the divine entrance, and probes so gently in, and willingly I welcome him.  Deeper, Deeper, as probing into my soul. Then with slow gyration withdrawing, and entering again, and again Sliding slowly in as deep as I could, I rocked against her, slowly first then faster and faster, feeling the life within me rising until I exploded my seed deep into her.  Oh my sweet, Oh my love, to heaven I come, My soul soars as I am filled with your warm seed. In silence I lay with her, remaining joined, for unknown hours that might be minutes for in that moment, time had lost all meaning.  But then, with a sigh I parted from her, and gently laid her again in her long narrow bed.  Was it my imagination? Or was she smiling a little.  For somehow her face, so radiant and peaceful before, now bore a look of divine contentment.  Perhaps it was there and only now did I perceive it.  Or perhaps not. Can you sense my happiness my love? As you lay me in my resting place again? For you have made me whole and I am content.  As I am laid into the earth your gift lies with me.  A presence, to bind us to each other across the bounds of death that separate us now, but only for a while, until we again are joined in a rapturous eternity.  No one knew what liberties I took with my sweet lady, nor was there need to know.  I wonder if they noticed how I smiled as I watched the box in which you lay at peace, being lowered into the grave we would one day share.  For I lay with you and knew your peace. ***

What I am Searching For
As we age we go through life we go through stages, or changes, in personal needs, desires, and priorities.  Sometimes what was once attractive, unique, or a more accepted responsibility to take on, no longer satisfies.  You might call it change of life, menopause, or mid-life crisis.  The point is that maturity brings about personal change.. for women as well as men.  I am not going to devote time to defend or justify feelings.  Because I choose to post a website proclaiming to the world my sexuality and trying to help people search for their's, does not mean I am not human with my own needs and desires and dreams.  In the end what I am searching for is simply emotional happiness... a search most people are doing.

I am not searching for money, career success, better health, or a big screen TV.  I want to feel again... what intimacy and sharing have to offer.  With that I can then achieve those other things using my own abilities.  I need purpose again.  I guess that means the what should really be a who.  Who would be an attractive person to me?
Someone (female preferably) who shares my interests, sexual and otherwise.  Someone who isn't afraid to love... and someone who can care for me as much as I would care for them.  A communicator.  Maybe an intimate submissive, an intimate 'experimenter', but socially assertive, confident, and have a measure of independence and an awareness of life.  Intelligence always seems to be a desired trait, but that's relative.  A fresh outlook toward life... optimistic in spite of set backs.  Physical appearance... I generally find slimmer to be nicer (other physical attributes are not critical... age not an issue).

What am I searching for?  The elusive butterfly of love.

The following is a little verse that kinda explains where I'm at in my life. Searching... by Rob I've been on the net for many years and for really no good reason, I sit and pass the time away, typing  from season to season. I think I'm searching, like so many others, for some thing or some one, Not sure if it's the meaning of life or simply random fun. So I put up a site like so many do to show the world I'm here, To present a bit of my private self that in reality I would fear. I presented all my sexual thoughts in the area of necrophilia, In sleepysex and other forms of sexual paraphilia. I talk of how my fantasies are not motivated by lust, Love is the only feeling I have, the only feeling that I trust. To treat a woman with respect and special tenderness, Because of her untimely demise I would want to give no less. But it's not likely I would get that chance to make that dream a reality, I just don't have the ways or means to partake in one's finality. But that's ok with me as that reality is not necessary, I much prefer a living girl who shares in my odd fantasy. As we go through life priorities change... desires and expectations, We reach a point where we realize what we have is no relation. I make no excuses for how I feel, but I know I feel alone, In a relationship that goes no where... basically monotone. So I search and hope that one day soon I find someone with kindred spirit, With fantasies and desires.. a warm heart, and allow me near it. Someone who likes to 'play', and live out the loving fantasy, To maybe share, just a bit, what might bring us both to ecstasy. It's not the sex I'm looking for but the transference of love, To bring some meaning back in life.. to re-claim what once was. If you are out there write to me.. it has to start somewhere, All I ask is when you take my heart please handle it with care.