Confessions
of a simple 'wannabe'...
From
visitor feedback I many times get the feeling that people must think I
am extrordinarly tuned to my own sexuality and that I somehow must be
getting complete sexual satisfaction from meeting people who fall under
my cyber-spell. Well, sorry, folks. I'm just an ordinary
guy and I can cast no spells (trust me, I've tried...). Fact be
known, I am also a sexually evolving human being and even in the six
plus years of being on the net and having this website some of my
fantasies have changed a bit as a result of simply meeting through
chats and emails others with different fantasies and desires. We
call it comparing. It's natural for humans to want to compare
themselves with each other as it seems to provide a basis in how we
accept ourselves in society... as well as sometimes providing feedback
for making changes that can hopefully make us feel better about
ourselves. As we all know, sex itself is a major element of
comparison. We compare how often each other has it.. we compare
physical sizes... we compare orgasmic response... we even compare level
of desire, passion, and stamina. So I decided to provide this
section for all to compare themselves with me a bit. Frankly I
consider myself pretty average on all counts. I accept who I
am... well, usually.
My Fave Role Play
Experience... and Partner
First
off.. to those of you who think I 'get it' whever I want from meeting
visitors to my site, you are wrong. I have been sexually intimate
with 'only' four women in my life (starting to compare now?).
Each one of them was an important relationship in my life and not
simply frivilous encounters for sex. I am rather traditional in
my romantic and sexual views hence it's not easy for me to separate a
measure of love or simple caring from sex. I need a relationship
to have a level of meaning before I get sexually physical. That's
just how I am. Each of us is different. Only one person I
have met that has been a result of my website... and only one was into
the necro play.
She contacted me through ICQ and we
had weeks of chat before using the phone. But all during that
time we did the normal things people do to get to know and understand
each other. That means we even chatted about things that weren't
sexual. What drew her originally to my site was a latent sexual
desire to be dead while a lover or stranger had sex with her body. She
had never 'played' like that before in her own life with past partners
('only' three for her up to that point... keep comparing <g>) so
it was a real fantasy for her as well. We related very well
together even on a personal level.. many things we had in common.
Of course we explored our individual sexual desires in chat, then on
the phone. We would dream up fictional little scenarios that many
times turned into very hot discussions. The themes usually
centered around certain exotic locations where I might find her already
dead... using my grief as an emotional conveyence to end up making love
to her body one last time. With her the element of grief when
discovering her dead body enhanced the mood for her. I found it
very similar to my own feelings.
Then the time came when we wanted to
meet. By this time we had developed a relationship that made us
fond for each other both sexually and as individuals, having shared
numerous pics and phone calls (she was also in a declining marriage and
that became something very much in common between us). She was
very excited about meeting and had been telling me that she was
practicing being 'dead'... that is, laying perfectly still and limp for
over an hour. I was rather surprised that she tended to take the
initiative in setting the scene. She said that when we met for
the first time... in my motel room... I was to be dressed in only a
robe. This apparently fed her fantasy in meeting a 'stranger'
that would make love to her body. The rest would follow, she said.
I opened the door and she stepped in
and we met for the first time. She turned to kiss me and I kissed
her back, hugging each other as my foot closed the door. We both
whispered to each other only those things lovers seem to whisper.
Then she stepped away from me, tossed her purse on the chair, removed
her coat.. then collapsed on the bed... 'dead'. I took my queue.
My heart
was honestly racing like crazy. I mean, here was a girl totally
into what I enjoyed and for the first time in my life I was actually
living an element of my fantasy with someone I deeply cared for and who
cared for me. I was not filled with lust one bit... but rather a
little concerned that all this was happening a little too fast for me
to sexually keep up. But the whole idea about necro/sleepysex is
about slow lovemaking.. the building up of emotion.. taking one's
time. And that I did. I held her... I verbally showed grief
as I held her... then told her I would make love to her one last
time. I proceeded to remove her clothes... slowly, admiring her
and talking to her as I did... then positioned her body in many
different ways on the bed and to my surprise she was totally remarkable
at being limp no matter what I did (she told me in advance that there
were no rules to what I could do with her sexually... this was true
trust).
I kissed, licked, tongued, gently bit,
every inch of her body. She would not respond. Her eyes
closed.. mouth slightly open, I kissed and my tongue probed her
lifeless mouth.... whispering in her ear how much I loved her. We
had talked about this many times via chat and phone.. how she wanted it
to happen.. what she would like done to her body... how she wanted to
feel me inside her mouth as well as everywhere else. I.. we.. did
it all together. When I finally penetrated her vaginally I had
positioned her body over the edge of the bed.. arms dangling. It
was a slow lovemaking... and when I came deep inside her I whispered in
her ear that I loved her.... and I meant it.
After, she just remained 'dead'... I
watched her body as it rested on the bed. I felt warm knowing I
had just made love with her and that 'I' was inside her. I
started kissing her all over again... everywhere. I took my
finger and slid it down to her entrance and allowed some of 'us' to
drip on it.. then I traced her lips gently and we kissed.. tasting each
other. That's when she 'awoke' and hugged me so tightly. We
spent that weekend doing slight variations of that same theme.. and
making traditional love as well.
But the best was yet to come the next time we met.
A couple
weeks later we were to meet again for another weekend. This time
she had a real scenario worked out. I was to call her the evening
I arrived at the motel for instructions. I checked in late that
evening and called her. She told me she would meet me early the
next morning. At precisely 9am I was to leave the motel room,
leaving the door unlocked, and wait in my car in the parking lot.
The motel rooms had separate outside entrances so I was to watch her
arrive and once she entered the room I was to give her exactly ten
minutes then I was to re-enter the room. Only this time she
wanted me to video tape it. I was really taken by her imagination
and all this heightened the experience.. as I am sure it did for
her. It was the unknown... the unexpected... and the video taping
gave the feeling of wanting to 'perform'.. as a kind of legitimate
'audience' even though this would be our private tape.
When I entered the room (carrying the
camera) I noticed the mirror on the wall was a bit fogged up and I
heard the shower running behind the closed bathroom door. I
called her name a couple times.. no answer. I saw that the
bathroom door was slightly open. I called her name again.. still
no response. I walked into the bathroom and saw the shower
curtains were closed. I reached out my left arm and slid the
curtains open calling her name. To my 'shock' she was laying in
the tub... on her back, legs spread.. 'dead'. But what was truly
amazing is that she had the cold water running on her.
She wanted to feel the coldness of death. This really sent my
heart racing. I quickly attached the camera to the tripod to get
it out of my way. Then I went back into the bathroom.. and began
my role. I expressed shock and grief.. I turned off the running
cold shower water. I checked her for a pulse.. felt her neck as
her limp head flopped to the side... a trickle of water dripping from
her slightly opened mouth. I reached down to grab her slippery
limp body... I had to kneel next to the tub to get a grip on her...
then held her wetness close to me as I expressed my grief.
Placing
my hands under her wet arms I lifted her up from the tub and let her
sit on the edge of the tub as I used a towel to dry her off. All
during this she was amazingly limp.. flopping from side to side and
against me as I moved her. Then I lifted her from the tub
completely since she was dry enough to get a safe grip. My arms
wrapped around her, I sort of dragged her from the bathroom then gently
layed her across a large upholstered chair in the room. Her head
layed back over the edge of one arm of the chair.. and her right leg
over the other armrest. Her left leg was positioned as it rather
flopped off the armrest.. spreading her legs a bit... her arms at her
sides. I told her how much I would miss her and loved her... I
caressed and touched and kissed every inch of her. I lifted her
arms and kissed them.. under them. Her head, hanging back over
the armrest, I kissed and caressed... especially her tought neck.
I entered her orally from that
position, using my hand to open her mouth further.... moving her head
against me... feeling her throat. I must have spent at least a
half hour worshipping her body in that chair. I then lifted her
from the chair and set her on the bed... she flopped and bounced and
her breasts jiggled but she never moved. I licked her and sucked
her.. everywhere. Then I entered her... the same as before,
letting her legs fall on either side of me as I pulled her closer so I
could penetrate deeper. I came inside her... I collapsed onto
her.... I kissed her... her legs flopped limply as I pulled out and
away from her... a gush of my semen flowed out because I had overfilled
her (she told me later how she loved to feel it drip out of her).
I enjoyed watching it as she laid there.
After our
'play' we watched ourselves on the video. Before the video was
over we were making traditional love together.. she responded... it was
wonderful. The play proved to be exciting foreplay toward the
meaningful closeness we had together afterwards.
Epilog: We parted ways as a result of personal reasons
she had following the death of her father and job layoff.
That was in 1999. I've not found a similar relationship nor
sexual intimacy since.
Cool Role Play I'd Like
To Try In A Relationship With A Like-Minded Partner
I point
out on my site more that once that when the vast majority of us find a
significant other and fall in love and get married it's the sexual
aspect that's sometimes left out of the equation. I don't
mean that sex isn't important or even ignored in a budding
relationship. I think most of us have done it with our romantic
partners long before any talk of marriage. What I am refering to
is communicating to each other the deep innermost sexual fantasies and
desires. Of course traditional sex is probably great.. but
somewhere down the line in the relationship one or both partners are
going to want a bit of variety to keep the feeling alive. We've
been conditioned to think that sex is somehow a piece of the puzzle
that will happily fall into place if the relationship means
anything. We are also wary about telling our partners about our
innermost sexual fantasies because we feel we may loose them if they
think it outrageous or disgusting. But in fact, the whole idea of
relationship-building is by itself fulfilling the natural instinct to
shop for a mate.. in other words, we are looking for sex yet we play
down that part as somehow being 'shallow' or less than serious or
committed to a relationship.
I mention
all this to illustrate that while it may be relatively 'easy' to
develop a romantic relationship based on common social interests,
hobbies, religious feelings, politics, occupation, whatever, it can be
quite rare to find a perfectly likeminded sexual mate. But
in my years observing on the net I have seen in many of the sexual
fetish 'enclaves' that some great relationships have indeed been
started from a common sexual interest. But by and large no two
people will ever be exactly 100% alike, sexually or otherwise.
And that's what makes communication and compromise so important.
I do not expect any partner to be an exact match and I do not expect my
partner to cater only to my sexual whims. For me it's important
to provide enjoyment for my partner as I draw part of my own sexual
satisfaction from satifying her.
With that preamble being said, let's move on to some of my
role play hopes for the future.
My
partner playing dead in exotic locations.
As with
the real life role play described earlier, it would be great to find
someone into some level of this... having a little desire at least to
find being limp and compliant as erotic. Exotic locations simply
means anything outside the bedroom.. or the home, limited by one's own
imagination... which I hope my partner will have. Finding her
'dead' then making final love to her. Undressing and especially
carrying and positioning her is a big thing for me. Some ideas...
funeral home, crime scene, chance discovery in a woods or
park, found in a car trunk, coming across an auto accident victim,
drowning victim... you get the picture.
Me playing dead for my partner.
I would like to try this if someone did also have the
interest. Maybe with the same scenarios as indicated above.
While I am not totally hooked on this variation I would very much
consider it if my partner had the desire. Many girls fantasize
about having sex with a dead guy... if they could get away with it.
'Chloroforming' my partner.
This is a relatively common fantasy that is more a sleepysex
interest. Typically the girl is stalked then attacked from behind
and following a little struggle is rendered unconscious using a prop
rag... maybe with some alcohol on it to simulate chloroform. A
popular fantasy on the net. Of course what follows is the
undressing, carrying and positioning... and love making.
'Snuff' and 'unconsentual' themes.
The chloroforming fantasy touches on this
'unconsentual' aspect. I am typically not into violence or even
fantasy violence against women... BUT... if my partner enjoyed some
aspects of this I would indeed try and find an enjoyment level as part
of a sexual compromise. This might include asphyx play (simulated
only... I have no desire to help someone experience a near-death breath
control experience), simulated rape, and murder (relatively
bloodless... single stab wound, shooting, stranglulation, etc.).
Part of any relationship is learning what makes my partner happy and
having them 'teach' me how to pleasure them... and to enjoy it myself
as well. Extreme bondage games, torture (simulated or otherwise),
and hanging I have no desire to participate.
Assassin
As I've
mentioned, I am typically not attracted to violence against women but
this kind of scenario is elevated a bit from a woman simply being an
unknowing passive victim. Typically she is a target for
assassination.. a spy herself, stalked and tracked down.. then
shot. After which her body is searched for the proverbial
'microfilm'.. followed by sex because she is so beautiful and can't
object anymore. This scenario might involve lots of carrying,
position.. a little more roughly.. even so far as to toss the body
around a bit.. into a car trunk or a field... roll down a slope..
etc. Use of a paintball gun would make this scenario more 'real'
should my partner wish to feel the sting of being shot and subsequent
realism of the red paint simulating blood. There's all kinds of
variations to this role play. It takes a pretty special girl to
enjoy this kind of scening... imagination, getting into the role, and
liking the 'roughness' in the treatment of her body.
My partner (or myself) rendered unconscious... consentually.
The ultimate trust, this would be very difficult to
achieve. I will not participate in the using of illegal street
drugs.. pills or pot... to put myself or my partner out cold. If
prescription meds can be used safely that's one thing.. like a
prescribed sedative. But while I find this very erotic it's not
at the expense of my partner's safety. Getting drunk would work
providing it doesn't take much (I don't want to particiapte in alcohol
poisoning). Some people can fall asleep very deeply using simple
over-the-counter drugs.. that's ok with me. But if somehow this
could be achieved safely it would be a wonderful, erotic, experience.
Video taping the play
Some people flat out don't like being
in front of a camera lens performing in some sexual way. That's
understandable. For myself, I find the use of a camcorder as part
of the sexual enhancement. To me it lends support to the
'legitimacy' of the role playing.... as if you are performing FOR the
camera for later enjoyment rather than for each other at the moment,
which becomes lost when completed. Much of role play is in fact
bringing out the 'ham' in each of us. The desire to perform.. act
out a role. I don't use the camcorder to achieve some voyeuristic
desire... but rather to share with my partner to relive an
experience. It becomes a tool of sexual enjoyment.
Relationships
I Dream About
We all have dreams of what a perfect
person and relationship might be and more often than not life never
provides us with what we 'think' we want. Chances are we will
find a relationship we never expected with a person we'd never thought
of being with intimately. It doesn't mean we decide to accept
something less but rather we discover a person we admire then build a
relationship we desire around that singular person. Such is the
diversity of life. But the following are a couple dreams of my
own I've entertained over the years.
Mmmmmm
This one caters to the necro fantasy at its ultimate for
me. I've often imagined over the years of finding a woman
mortician who has a necro slant all her own and would appreciate having
a relationship with someone like me who would not only
participate in her own happiness in a sincere relationship but also in
sharing the deeper fantasies we both would have regarding the
dead. Maybe even to the point of partnering together in the
business.
(Believe
it or not I found someone like this through the site... but she had
some emotional issues to work out so it was not to be. But
someone is out there....)
Mmmm
A more
traditional fantasy... simply to find someone into my interests and let
a relationship develop over time. Someone creative, imaginative,
maybe a little adventurous.
Well,
there you have it.
In the end I'm just a basic person looking for a meaning to
all of this. If you've compared yourself with me I have probably
fallen on either side of your own image.... either far more 'strange'
or not as 'strange'. But if nothing else you can see that as
humans we all share a common desire for the need of a significant other
in our lives to make life meaningful.... and intimacy gratifying.
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